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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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Study #1 Product: Dr. Bob's Herbal Ecstasy Subjects: Doug (34) and Tina (31) [Introduction] Doug: It's funny, because I work in the music business and Tina is — Tina: I'm an editor at a fashion magazine and we have this joke. D: We say that we've got the sexiest jobs out of all our friends, but we're too stressed out to have sex. T: This should be interesting. It would be nice to have something to help us get in the mood. [After fifteen minutes alone.] Doug: Can you feel anything? Tina: I just felt you touch my arm when you said that. D: I mean, do you feel this stuff working at all? T: Not really. D: My neck feels weird. Like I have a little bit of a sore throat. [After thirty minutes alone.] Tina: They're making us get every client lunch approved before we expense it now. Doug: Really? The label told us we can spend exactly one third of what we used to get for pre release CD promotion on any client. Even if they've got a video in high rotation; one-third across the board. T: Jesus. Really? D: Isn't that stupid? A year ago they were practically begging us to spend as much as we could on promotion. T: It'll all blow over at some point. Everybody just has to sweat it out. [After one hour alone.] Tina: Does your neck still hurt, honey? Doug: Kind of, yeah. I might just go to sleep. T: Blind Date is on. D: Oh, okay. Cool. I was thinking we missed it. [Couple retires to television and then to sleep.] - - - - Study #2 Product: Blue Moon Soda with Yohimbe PassionBoost Subjects: Steve (45) and Connie (42) [Introduction] Steve: We have definitely slowed down a little after having children. Connie: I like the idea of trying something like this. S: We were only going to have one. C: So, do we just drink it and kind of wait for something to happen? S: But then everyone tells you these 'only child' horror stories. [After fifteen minutes alone.] Connie: I feel like I have more energy. Steve: [nods] C: Maybe like I have more stamina. S: Big commitment, kids...you know? [After thirty minutes alone.] Steve: I mean, I still can't believe we're the adults in the house, you know? Connie: Oh, this is nice. I feel very stimulated. S: [looks at watch] C: I wonder what would happen if we drank two each. [After an hour alone.] Steve: I don't think that ever changes. I think some people will always look in the mirror and see themselves as the child and not the parent, you know? Connie: Honey did you finish yours? S: What? The soda thing? Yeah. C: How do you feel? S: It tastes weird. [Couple retires to sleep after checking in on the children] - - - - Study #3 Product: Rising Sun All Natural Performance Enhancer (Made in Japan) Subjects: Sam (70) and Bea (59) [Introduction] Sam: In my day, you didn't buy anything from Japan. Bea: Back then we only bought American. S: You buy from the Japanese and they used the money to buy ammunitions to shoot my ass. B: Oh, he's not going to be in the mood for romance if you get him thinking about that war. [After fifteen minutes alone.] Sam: What the hell do they want us to do, again? Bea: I think we just see if this vitamin pack makes us feel… S: The vitamins we just took? B: Yes, the vitamins we just took. That's why were supposed to be alone now. [After thirty minutes alone.] Sam: Most vitamins will take a week or two to make much of a difference. Bea: Oh, I wonder if they're going to leave us alone in here for two weeks. S: Dear God, the Japanese finally got me right where they want me. [Both start laughing.] B: Well, I feel thirsty. Do you think they would be interested in knowing that their vitamins make me thirsty? [After an hour alone.] Bea: All these things have put me in the mood for is a glass of water. Sam: Maybe that's what they're looking to do. B: Well, it's working. S: See this way, I get up like a gentleman and get you a glass of water and you fall in love with me all over again, sweet Bea. B: Oh, Sam you couldn't be a better catch. [Couple embraces, laughing, and spends a very passionate romantic evening together.]
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Cruel and Unusual, An Interview with Connie Williams, an Inmate at Marysville Reformatory for Women By Aimee Bingham Zoom By Grant Bailie Daylight Savings Tim By Alysia Gray Painter When the Old People Dream By Rachel Carpenter Further Reading By Mike Topp |
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