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W A L L P A P E R .

BY MIKE TOPP

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CAN YOU FIX THIS?

"Can you fix this?" I asked the handyman, pointing at the stalactites in my ceiling. "No, he said.

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DID YOU KNOW?

I saw on a nature show how this cat's urine glows under a black light. I thought I was the only one with that power.

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SHRIMP

When I read that a shrimp's heart is in its head, I thought, we humans are like that: we have a slender elongated body, compressed abdomen, and a long spiny rostrum.

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SNEEZE

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes on the sidewalk, you will occasionally find a quarter, sometimes a dollar.

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ALL AND SOME

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of being a great lover. But not every man can say, "The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick." In conclusion, great lovers and tongue twisters are not as similar as you might think.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE

I am an authority on vampires.
I am an authority on lesbians.
I am an authority on dreams.
I am an authority on regression therapy.
I am an authority on manipulation and propaganda.
I am dishonest in relationships.

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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A Member of the Club By Brian Bieber
We Have So Many Things To Talk About By Evan R. Beaumont
FAQ: Neal Pollack Ascendant By Neal Pollack
My New Street Taunts, Vol. II: The Things That I Think as I Lie in Wait for You By Amie Barrodale
Seven Recurring Nightmares That Fail to Frighten By Jim Ruland

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