- - - -

Darin Strauss' Half a Life,
a nakedly honest, ultimately hopeful
examination of guilt, responsibility, and
living with the past, is getting rave reviews. To mark
the occasion, get your copy today
at a reduced price.

- - - -

T H E   U N I V E R S E A N D   I . BY STEPHANY AULENBACK - - - - Learn to say YES to the universe and the universe will say YES to you. I, for example, say YES to the universe and the universe says YES to me. I see myself in the universe's mirrored sunglasses. I have tongue-kissed the universe. The universe has really soft lips. The universe also has great minty breath. The universe likes to stroke my back and braid my hair. The universe gives me pedicures. I have taken the universe as my lover. In other words, you might say the universe has become my lover. Learn to say YES to the universe and the universe will say YES to you! Sometimes the universe and I play dominoes. On Sundays, in the late afternoon, when the sunlight just barely comes slanting through the blinds, I sit on the universe's lap, and the universe lets me beat his ass every time. I like to rub my cheeks against the universe's stubble. The universe has really great eyes. Never mind his soft lips and his minty breath. The universe just gave me his high school jacket. The universe just bought me a silver Camaro. The universe says he'll give me a promise ring as soon as he saves up some more money from his part-time job working at the Foot Locker. You may not know this, but the universe is ticklish. You have to know just the right spot. Don't you want a little action? I ride the universe like a wild, wild horse. Looks like I am having the universe's baby. I say YES to the universe and he says HOW HIGH to me! I'm telling you: learn to say YES to the universe, and the universe will say YES to you, too.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - What They're Saying in the Ambient Background of Pink Floyd Songs By Dan Kennedy Rule Six By Chris Mcavoy Wallpaper By Mike Topp A Member of the Club By Brian Bieber We Have So Many Things To Talk About By Evan R. Beaumont

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES - - - - Memories of Amanda Davis - - - - Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. - - - - McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES NORSE HISTORY FOR BOSTONIANS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GET TO KNOW AN INTERNET COMMENTER GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN EXCERPTS FROM THE PANORAMA SOLUTIONS TO BENJAMIN TAUSIG'S THREE-DEMENSIONAL CROSSWORD PUZZLE IN THE SAN FRANCISCO PANORAMA ABOUT THE INSTRUCTIONS < ABOUT HALF A LIFE ABOUT CITRUS COUNTY ABOUT MISADVENTURE ABOUT BINKY BROWN MEETS THE HOLY VIRGIN MARY ABOUT THE CLOCK WITHOUT A FACE ABOUT A VERY BAD WIZARD - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL