F O U R N O T E C A R D S
I N E V E R S E N T .
BY DAN KENNEDY
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Congratulations on the new arrival...
Just wait until you get to the point I'm at: I basically wake up, pour myself a drink, go out to the patio, light a cigarette, and try to figure out which kids in the pool are mine and from what marriage. On a good day, I remember not to jump in with my smokes in my pocket.
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It was great seeing you when we were in town...
When we got home we followed your lead and made friends with a black woman from the condo right across from ours and now we're the multi-cultural toast of Vista Del Sol. We're also meditating and we've enrolled in a Thai cooking class. Keep it real, you guys. See you again soon.
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Congratulations on the promotion...
That's got to be a sweet feeling. Fat checks, cognac, and imported cigarettes at eleven in the morning. Never mind all the sweet ladies lounging around your houses asking you for a little breakfast money and maybe cab fare home. You cross date lines hung over and never know what time it is. Oh, man, I want to get a little piece of what you have. I don't know if I deserve it, but I want it so bad I can taste it. Let me know if you quit.
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Congratulations on tying the knot...
You two are both incredible people and I can't imagine two better... well... better-looking people when it comes down to it. I don't know if I'm saying this right... but I think you're both hot. I mean, I'm not gay or anything... but it's like I DIG BOTH OF YOU. God, I don't know, maybe I'm bisexual? I never really thought about it. I'm not sure what this all means for the three of us, but, you guys, I want you to know it's from my heart. Okay... anyway. Congratulations and best of luck.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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English As She Is Spoke, A New Book from McSweeney's
The Power of Memory Week: How to Remember Names and Faces, Part 8: Interesting Facts and How to Recall Them By Robert H. Nutt
The Power of Memory Week: How to Remember Names and Faces, Part 7: How to Remember Numbers By Robert H. Nutt
The Power of Memory Week: How to Remember Names and Faces, Part 6: The Student Remembers through High School and College By Robert H. Nutt
The Power of Memory Week: How to Remember Names and Faces, Part 5: The Cost of Forgetting the Wrong Things By Robert H. Nutt
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