F O U R   N O T E   C A R D S I   N E V E R   S E N T . BY DAN KENNEDY - - - - Congratulations on the new arrival... Just wait until you get to the point I'm at: I basically wake up, pour myself a drink, go out to the patio, light a cigarette, and try to figure out which kids in the pool are mine and from what marriage. On a good day, I remember not to jump in with my smokes in my pocket. - - - - It was great seeing you when we were in town... When we got home we followed your lead and made friends with a black woman from the condo right across from ours and now we're the multi-cultural toast of Vista Del Sol. We're also meditating and we've enrolled in a Thai cooking class. Keep it real, you guys. See you again soon. - - - - Congratulations on the promotion... That's got to be a sweet feeling. Fat checks, cognac, and imported cigarettes at eleven in the morning. Never mind all the sweet ladies lounging around your houses asking you for a little breakfast money and maybe cab fare home. You cross date lines hung over and never know what time it is. Oh, man, I want to get a little piece of what you have. I don't know if I deserve it, but I want it so bad I can taste it. Let me know if you quit. - - - - Congratulations on tying the knot... You two are both incredible people and I can't imagine two better... well... better-looking people when it comes down to it. I don't know if I'm saying this right... but I think you're both hot. I mean, I'm not gay or anything... but it's like I DIG BOTH OF YOU. God, I don't know, maybe I'm bisexual? I never really thought about it. I'm not sure what this all means for the three of us, but, you guys, I want you to know it's from my heart. Okay... anyway. Congratulations and best of luck.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - English As She Is Spoke, A New Book from McSweeney's The Power of Memory Week: How to Remember Names and Faces, Part 8: Interesting Facts and How to Recall Them By Robert H. Nutt The Power of Memory Week: How to Remember Names and Faces, Part 7: How to Remember Numbers By Robert H. Nutt The Power of Memory Week: How to Remember Names and Faces, Part 6: The Student Remembers through High School and College By Robert H. Nutt The Power of Memory Week: How to Remember Names and Faces, Part 5: The Cost of Forgetting the Wrong Things By Robert H. Nutt

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL