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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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[Read J-Dawg's parents' letter to Coach Sean here.] - - - - Dear Parents of J-Dawg, I am in receipt of your letter of April 8, 2002, asking me to quit calling your son "Stud." I haven't, in the past, or seeable future called your son, "Stud." I don't use terms like that. I'd give out a smackdown to anyone who throws around swears, cusses, or sexual implications on my ballfield. Because why? Because I am aware of responsibilities. Why else? Because I am an accomplished coach. And why else? Because I know what it means to be a coach saddled with a coach's responsibilities. Like, I know that the city owns the ballfield, right? But, I take SOOO much responsibility for the boys and the town and for positive goodness that I regard the ball field as mine when my squad is working on a game or practice situation. The ball field is in my domain. Also, my domain is on the ball field. Anyway, I probably called Jason "dude." Which is a good term. Not as upbeat as "mini-pro" or "slugger." The wind is loud in the spring and it has a tendency to manipulate sounds out of adults or children's mouths. Then people hear things, like Mooper Swartz thought I called his son Randy a friggin' cocksucker, end quote. Just because he missed a pop-up against the Arby's Rams. By missing the pop-up and sending us into extra innings is why, as you might recall, I signaled your J-Dawg to hurl a fastball at Timmy Jericho's head. Otherwise we would have been captured, cooked, and eaten, this at the hands of a team of utter cream-tasters and tulip-touchers. See, missing a pop-up causes danger for all the kids. So, I called to Randy Watch that sucker!! end quote, meaning the sucker = baseball, which just landed and gave up two runs, sending us into extra innings and sending me headlong into a long night alone with nothing to help me but Maalox and the George Michael SportsMachine. How does someone hear something bad? Especially when they claim to have never used a disgusting phrase themselves? Sheesh. I can be, it is true, somewhat aggressible about baseball, but less than Bobby Knight and his tactics of coaching basketball for the Hoosiers, okay? I don't apologize for being MY way. Because when a history book is written, there is no section for LOSERS. But, I will never throw heavy stuff or swear, and I will monitor the boys' habits and deter them from the chewing of tobacco and crack down on their illegal abscondation of all tobacco products. Why? Because I signed a contract with HALLB, and because I am the good guy who has been known to participate in conversations with our lord and saver Jesus Christ on every single Sunday I don't have something else going on. The bottom line is this: YOU can count on me! Warm wishes, Coach Sean.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Discovering "The Lost City," An Interview with Dr. Deborah Kelley, a Marine Geologist at the University of Washington Who Studies Undersea Volcanoes, Part Two By Sean Carman Discovering "The Lost City," An Interview with Dr. Deborah Kelley, a Marine Geologist at the University of Washington Who Studies Undersea Volcanoes, Part One By Sean Carman History's Notable Persons Reconsidered By Tim Carvell New Jelly Belly Recipes By Dan Kennedy Please Quit Calling My Kid "Stud" By Jeff Johnson |
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