Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - - |
- - - - 1. The Greeting. Suggested guest greetings for all shift captains and waitstaff: Unacceptable greetings: - - - - 2. The Cap'n's Philosophy. There are two ways to do everything, matey: the Cap'n's Way and the way that will get you fired. Do everything the Cap'n's Way and you will not get fired, the Cap'n promises. - - - - 3. The Guest Birthday. Suggested procedure: Unacceptable procedure: - - - - 4. More of the Cap'n's Philosophy. Matey, if you try and pretend to do things the Cap'n's Way, but are, in fact, just doing things the way that will get you fired, the Cap'n will see right through your transparent ruse, and you will get fired. - - - - 5. Closing Time. Acceptable ways of notifying last table(s) that we are closing: Thank guest a second time, and remind them that Cap'n Cook's is open later on Summer Fridays and Saturdays. Thank guest a second time, and remind them of other great establishments in the waterfront area that remain open for late night business. Unacceptable: Turning on all lights and doing your bleach mopping and loudly discussing your shift with kitchen staff. Throwing Cap'n Cook's Golden Brown Tater Wedges with/at/to another coworker. - - - - 6. Final Bit of the Cap'n's Philosophy. Around here the Cap'n is the cap'n. - - - - 7. "Happy Birthday From The Cap'n!" (Sung to the tune of regular birthday song. Remember: you ARE responsible FOR knowing all LYRICS.) Happy Birthday from the Cap'n Cap'n Cook says, "Try to obtain guest's first name when you check birth date on ID. If you have not obtained first name, or cannot remember it, or are not sure how to pronounce it, guest is ALWAYS referred to as 'first mate' or 'matey,' not 'that person' or 'Whoever.'"
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Still More Grim Stories By Stephany Aulenback Sometimes I Have to Lie By Jeff Johnson It Was Just a Shark, An Interview with Rodney Fox, on Being Attacked, Surviving, and Returning to the Water, Part Two By Steve Featherstone It Was Just a Shark, An Interview with Rodney Fox, on Being Attacked, Surviving, and Returning to the Water, Part One By Steve Featherstone The Lumber Thief By Jack Peasley |
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