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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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C A P ' N   C O O K ' S C O D E   O F   C O N D U C T . BY DAN KENNEDY - - - - 1. The Greeting. Suggested guest greetings for all shift captains and waitstaff: "Ahoy!" "Welcome, Matey(s)!" "Climb aboard!" Unacceptable greetings: "Let freedom ring!" "It's going to be at least twenty minutes." "Goddamn it!" - - - - 2. The Cap'n's Philosophy. There are two ways to do everything, matey: the Cap'n's Way and the way that will get you fired. Do everything the Cap'n's Way and you will not get fired, the Cap'n promises. - - - - 3. The Guest Birthday. Suggested procedure: First, politely check ID to see that birth date matches today's date. Comp one dessert, and offer special birthday dessert menu to other guests in party. Assemble minimum of three first mates and one shift captain to sing "Happy Birthday from the Cap'n." Lyrics appear in the back of Cap'n Cook's Code of Conduct. Sing to tune of regular Happy Birthday song. Do not EVER bring Cap'n Cook's Code of Conduct to the table with you. Unacceptable procedure: Suggesting or participating in "body shots." Debating validity of guest's birth date as printed on ID. Pretending not to hear when family member discreetly informs you of guest's birthday. Arranging for any celebration after Cap'n Cook's regular hours of business. Offering to "make the guest's birthday extra-special out in the parking lot." - - - - 4. More of the Cap'n's Philosophy. Matey, if you try and pretend to do things the Cap'n's Way, but are, in fact, just doing things the way that will get you fired, the Cap'n will see right through your transparent ruse, and you will get fired. - - - - 5. Closing Time. Acceptable ways of notifying last table(s) that we are closing: Politely let guest(s) know that you would love to get them anything else they might wish to eat or drink before the kitchen and bar close for the evening. Thank guest a second time, and remind them that Cap'n Cook's is open later on Summer Fridays and Saturdays. Thank guest a second time, and remind them of other great establishments in the waterfront area that remain open for late night business. Unacceptable: Turning up kitchen radio, altering your uniform by removing sailing coat and/or hat, and having your shift drink while you watch table from bar. Also, as a reminder you are allowed ONE shift drink. A lingering table is not an excuse to continue drinking, staring, and saying things out loud that you intend for guest(s) at table to hear. Turning on all lights and doing your bleach mopping and loudly discussing your shift with kitchen staff. Throwing Cap'n Cook's Golden Brown Tater Wedges with/at/to another coworker. - - - - 6. Final Bit of the Cap'n's Philosophy. Around here the Cap'n is the cap'n. - - - - 7. "Happy Birthday From The Cap'n!" (Sung to the tune of regular birthday song. Remember: you ARE responsible FOR knowing all LYRICS.) Happy Birthday from the Cap'n Happy Birthday from the Cap'n Happy Birthday dear (Guest name) Happy Birthday from the Cap'n. And many more, matey. (All join for three cheers of "Ahoy!") Cap'n Cook says, "Try to obtain guest's first name when you check birth date on ID. If you have not obtained first name, or cannot remember it, or are not sure how to pronounce it, guest is ALWAYS referred to as 'first mate' or 'matey,' not 'that person' or 'Whoever.'"     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Still More Grim Stories By Stephany Aulenback Sometimes I Have to Lie By Jeff Johnson It Was Just a Shark, An Interview with Rodney Fox, on Being Attacked, Surviving, and Returning to the Water, Part Two By Steve Featherstone It Was Just a Shark, An Interview with Rodney Fox, on Being Attacked, Surviving, and Returning to the Water, Part One By Steve Featherstone The Lumber Thief By Jack Peasley

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL