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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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- - - - Salesman: Can I help you, sir? Customer: Yeah, I was in here the other day and I bought this swimsuit — Salesman: Wrong size? Customer: Actually, no, the size is just fine, but I have my receipt right here — Salesman: And you want to return the swimsuit? For something else, perhaps? Customer: Actually, no, what I'd like to do is I'd like to unsign my receipt. Salesman: You what? Customer: I want to unsign my receipt. Salesman: I don't understand. Customer: Okay, see, let me try to walk you through this. I paid by credit card, right? So here's my signature, right? And here's where I agree to pay you whatever that says, right? So now, after thinking about it a bit, you know, over the last twenty-four hours or whatever, I'd like to unsign the receipt. Salesman: You want to... unsign? I've never heard of such a thing. Customer: Well, that's because it's never been done before. Salesman: I have worked at this store for over two months and have never ever had a customer come in asking to unsign a receipt. Customer: Just stay with me here, Tonto. You know how people sign receipts? Salesman: Of course. Customer: Well, all I'm doing is I'm unsigning it. It's the exact opposite of signing. It's simple! Salesman: But you just can't — Customer: What it comes down to is I decided to renounce formally any involvement in the purchase of the swimsuit and declare that the signing of the credit card slip, which I did sign, I know, yesterday afternoon, is no longer valid. Salesman: Jesus. Okay, um, I'm going to have to find my manager. I'll be back in a moment. Customer: I'll be here. - - - - Customer: Hello, mom? How are you? Customer: I'm good. I'm at the mall, at this store. Customer: I don't know. Swimsuits or something or other, I don't know what they call it. Customer: Did you by any chance get my Mother's Day card? Customer: I knew you'd like all those birds. Customer: Because you love birds. Don't you? Like don't you sit around all day and watch them out your window and stuff? Customer: I thought there were little birds all over that card? Customer: Are you sure? Customer: Well, can you check the card? Customer: And you're looking at the card right now? Customer: Well, can you get up and go get it? Customer: Sure, I'll wait. - - - - Manager: My sales associate informed me that you need to speak with me about some problem you're having today. Customer: Oh, no, I'm not having any problem here. I just need to unsign this receipt and then I'll be on my way. Manager: You can't unsign a receipt, sir. Customer: The hell I can't. Did your associate take the trouble to explain to you that I've renounced my involvement in the purchase of the swimsuit? Yesterday's signing of the credit card slip is, you know, reversed. It's like no longer valid today. Manager: But, sir — Customer: Hold on a sec. - - - - Customer: Mom? I'm here. Customer: I don't know, just some guy who works here. You got the card? Customer: Not birds, you say? Customer: I know flowers are colorful, too. Customer: I know you like flowers, too. I really wanted birds though. Customer: I'm not disappointed. I'm just — Customer: I know it's okay, mom, but I wanted birds. Customer: Mom? Are you there? Do you see inside there where I signed that card? You know where I wrote love or whatever I wrote and then my name. What did I write anyway? Customer: Oh, right. Well, I'm going to have to unsign that. Customer: Unsign. I said, unsign Customer: Right, I'm unsigning the card. Customer: No, mom, listen. Mom? Listen. It doesn't mean I don't love you. Unsigning a card like yours represents a decisive rejection by me of the entire concept of that card as well as a pointed repudiation of the purchase, signing and subsequent mailing of said card. Customer: Well, obviously, because it's got stupid flowers on it and I wanted stupid birds. Customer: Of course, I still love you, mom. Customer: All right. Okay. Bye-bye. - - - - Customer: Sorry. You were saying? Manager: I was saying it's unheard of for a customer to sign a receipt and then come back in and want to withdraw that signature. Customer: No shit it's unheard of. I already told your sales guy wherever the hell he is that this was the first time this has ever been done in human history. Manager: And I'm telling you, sir, that it would be a profound error for you to retract your signature from that receipt. Customer: Look, I know what I'm doing, and what I want to do is I want to unsign my receipt. Manager: The only way I'll let you — to use your word — unsign your receipt is if you want to return the swimsuit. Customer: What about the word unsign don't you understand? I'm not returning any swimsuit. I'm just unsigning the receipt. You're talking about two totally different things here. I'm keeping the swimsuit. But the receipt is going to be unsigned. I like the swimsuit. I mean, it's a good color for me, don't you think? Manager: There's no way you can keep the swimsuit and not — Customer: In addition, I am simultaneously asserting that I will not be bound by any other signed credit card slips, or by the contractual laws that govern these signed receipts and further outline the obligations of customers like myself to obey the letter of those receipts. In short, whatever is will be unsigned, and whatever is unsigned will remain unsigned. Manager: Sir, do you have any idea what you're talking about? Customer: A little bit. Manager: Are you a lawyer? Customer: No. Manager: I didn't think so. Customer: So that means I can unsign my receipt? Manager: No. You can't. Customer: Just this once? Manager: No. Now leave. Customer: Please? Manager: ... Customer: It's a good idea, unsigning, you have to give me that much. Manager: It's asinine, I'll give you that much. Customer: But it's totally crafty though, right? Manager: No, but you're totally leaving the store now, right? Customer: I guess. Manager: Good day.
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