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P R A N K C A L L I N G M Y
F R I E N D S U S I N G T H E
" A R N O L D S C H W A R Z E N E G G E R
S O U N D B O A R D " C O M P U T E R
P R O G R A M .
BY TIM CASSEDY-BLUM
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Robyn: Hello?
Me: Good morning.
Robyn: Who is this?
Me: I'm detective John Kimble!
Robyn: Who?
Me: I'm detective John Kimble!
Robyn: I'm sorry?
Me: I'm a cop, you idiot!
Robyn: Uh
Me: I want to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want to have them answered immediately.
Robyn: I don't
Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
Robyn: [Hangs up.]
- - - -
Alex: Hello?
Me: Who are you!
Alex: This is Alex. Who's calling, please?
Me: Yeah, I'm a police officer.
Alex: Can I help you?
Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
Alex: Could I ask what this is in reference to
Me: Stop whining! You lack discipline!
Alex: This really isn't a good time. Call back later, okay?
Me: Stop whining!
Alex: Bye.
Me: Stop whining!
Alex: [Hangs up,]
- - - -
Jason: Hello?
Me: Who the hell are you?
Jason: It's Jason. Who is this?
Me: C'mon... don't bullshit me.
Jason: Who's calling?
Me: First, I would like to just get to know you.
Jason: Who is this?
Me: I'm a cop, you idiot!
Jason: [Hangs up]
- - - -
George: Hello?
Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
George: My daddy?
Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
George: Who's calling?
Me: I'm detective John Kimble!
George: Hold on a second. [Sounds of typing.]
Me: C'mon... don't bullshit me.
George: Good morning.
Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
George: I'm a cop, you idiot!
Me: I'm detective John Kimble!
George: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
Me: You lack discipline!
George: Stop whining! I'm detective John Kimble! I want to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want to have them answered immediately.
Me: Put a sock in it! John Kimble!
George: Hasta la vista, baby. [Hangs up.]
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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Executive Coach By Mike Topp
This Office Is Different By John Leary
A Workplace Play By Sarah Fisch
On Photographing the World Trade Center Site, An Interview with Joel Meyerowitz By Erika Kawalek
Bob Ross Paints a Familiar Picture By Dan Kennedy
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