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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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P R A N K   C A L L I N G   M Y F R I E N D S   U S I N G   T H E " A R N O L D   S C H W A R Z E N E G G E R S O U N D B O A R D "   C O M P U T E R P R O G R A M . BY TIM CASSEDY-BLUM - - - - Robyn: Hello? Me: Good morning. Robyn: Who is this? Me: I'm detective John Kimble! Robyn: Who? Me: I'm detective John Kimble! Robyn: I'm sorry? Me: I'm a cop, you idiot! Robyn: Uh — Me: I want to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want to have them answered immediately. Robyn: I don't — Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? Robyn: [Hangs up.] - - - - Alex: Hello? Me: Who are you! Alex: This is Alex. Who's calling, please? Me: Yeah, I'm a police officer. Alex: Can I help you? Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? Alex: Could I ask what this is in reference to — Me: Stop whining! You lack discipline! Alex: This really isn't a good time. Call back later, okay? Me: Stop whining! Alex: Bye. Me: Stop whining! Alex: [Hangs up,] - - - - Jason: Hello? Me: Who the hell are you? Jason: It's Jason. Who is this? Me: C'mon... don't bullshit me. Jason: Who's calling? Me: First, I would like to just get to know you. Jason: Who is this? Me: I'm a cop, you idiot! Jason: [Hangs up] - - - - George: Hello? Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? George: My daddy? Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? George: Who's calling? Me: I'm detective John Kimble! George: Hold on a second. [Sounds of typing.] Me: C'mon... don't bullshit me. George: Good morning. Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? George: I'm a cop, you idiot! Me: I'm detective John Kimble! George: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? Me: You lack discipline! George: Stop whining! I'm detective John Kimble! I want to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want to have them answered immediately. Me: Put a sock in it! John Kimble! George: Hasta la vista, baby. [Hangs up.]     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Executive Coach By Mike Topp This Office Is Different By John Leary A Workplace Play By Sarah Fisch On Photographing the World Trade Center Site, An Interview with Joel Meyerowitz By Erika Kawalek Bob Ross Paints a Familiar Picture By Dan Kennedy

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL