Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - -

P R A N K   C A L L I N G   M Y F R I E N D S   U S I N G   T H E " A R N O L D   S C H W A R Z E N E G G E R S O U N D B O A R D "   C O M P U T E R P R O G R A M . BY TIM CASSEDY-BLUM - - - - Robyn: Hello? Me: Good morning. Robyn: Who is this? Me: I'm detective John Kimble! Robyn: Who? Me: I'm detective John Kimble! Robyn: I'm sorry? Me: I'm a cop, you idiot! Robyn: Uh — Me: I want to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want to have them answered immediately. Robyn: I don't — Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? Robyn: [Hangs up.] - - - - Alex: Hello? Me: Who are you! Alex: This is Alex. Who's calling, please? Me: Yeah, I'm a police officer. Alex: Can I help you? Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? Alex: Could I ask what this is in reference to — Me: Stop whining! You lack discipline! Alex: This really isn't a good time. Call back later, okay? Me: Stop whining! Alex: Bye. Me: Stop whining! Alex: [Hangs up,] - - - - Jason: Hello? Me: Who the hell are you? Jason: It's Jason. Who is this? Me: C'mon... don't bullshit me. Jason: Who's calling? Me: First, I would like to just get to know you. Jason: Who is this? Me: I'm a cop, you idiot! Jason: [Hangs up] - - - - George: Hello? Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? George: My daddy? Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? George: Who's calling? Me: I'm detective John Kimble! George: Hold on a second. [Sounds of typing.] Me: C'mon... don't bullshit me. George: Good morning. Me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? George: I'm a cop, you idiot! Me: I'm detective John Kimble! George: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? Me: You lack discipline! George: Stop whining! I'm detective John Kimble! I want to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want to have them answered immediately. Me: Put a sock in it! John Kimble! George: Hasta la vista, baby. [Hangs up.]     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Executive Coach By Mike Topp This Office Is Different By John Leary A Workplace Play By Sarah Fisch On Photographing the World Trade Center Site, An Interview with Joel Meyerowitz By Erika Kawalek Bob Ross Paints a Familiar Picture By Dan Kennedy

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL