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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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- - - - ANDROMEDA FUNCTION: Beware of the red canister of the Ghost Craft, it's not filled with oxygen. CHRISTIAN SOLDIER: Don't waste your Power Pamphlets on the punk rocker. Instead, slip them into the Hasidic Jew's pocket! His beard will disappear, and he'll change into colorful clothes. CROW V. SQUIRREL: Cawing at Schoolchildren will make them drop their sandwiches, but Squirrel may steal them. Try eating Schoolchildren directly. D.C. DEATH MARCH: Never use your flamethrower against the senator with the sunglasses. He's a booby-trapped robot! Instead, deploy your Lobbying Force to corner him, then rush past into the Capitol. GUNRUNNERS: When you approach the Cordoba Cartel, the guy with the mustache is a narc. Shoot him for a secret bonus. LIBRARIAN: Don't let the Crazy People reach the How-To section, or they'll make Molotov Cocktails! Instead, direct them to Self-Help. Old Ladies sent to the rest room will be trapped until the end of the wave. The Child carrying the laptop computer is actually a dwarf — don't put him in the Children's Section. Panting Man should also be kept away from children. LOLLIPOP SAL: While the game is in LICK mode, make Sal run her bicycle into a tree. Do you see a small pink object lying in the grass? It's Sal's tongue! SAMMY STANDUP: Hit the PUN button until the audience begins to throw rotten fruit. Now find the apple with the dentures in it, and pick it up. Sammy's teeth will grow, and he'll score double for every joke! SHAKE 'N' BAKE: Use the griddle scraper sparingly. If you can accumulate six inches of grease by level nineteen, the grill will catch fire, and the words "EAT ME" will appear in the flames. SHEETROCKER: If the Painters come before you've filled all your Holes, use your Putty Knife to spackle their eyes shut. Remember, do not spackle over the Electrical Outlet, or your Sander will be worthless on level two. WIGGLES: To begin at level twenty-five, reset the game while holding down the KICK button. To begin at level fifty, rock the machine gently back and forth. To begin at level one hundred, insert your finger into the coin-return slot until you feel a small round button. Press it. When the authorities arrive, tell them, "The pig's in the meadow, and wax burns." They'll understand.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
A Memo from the Cap'n By Dan Kennedy A Recounting of the Iran-Contra Affair in the Authentic Verbiage of the Period By Dan Goldstein No More Lost Cause, An Interview with James Sorrels, on His Interest in General Ulysses S. Grant By Rick Stoeckel An Editor's Enthusiastic Response to a Fan's Suggestions for Hit Parader Magazine, June, 1984 By Adam Underhill Footboy By William Walsh |
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