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- - - - Sam sat behind his desk twirling clockwise in his chair. Four days before Sam had been promoted. Sam shut his eyes and imagined he was underwater. When he opened them, he was. Everything was underwater. Everything was exactly the same, just underwater. His phone rang. He picked up the receiver and noticed how much lighter it felt. "Sam Johnston," Sam said. "Sam?" asked Tim. Tim had just been promoted, too. "This is gonna sound— " "My office is underwater, too." "Really?" "Yeah." "What are we supposed to do?" Something crashed into Sam's office door. "Hold on," he said. "I gotta call you back." Sam leapt from the chair, swam over his desk, and unlocked the door. Sam's new boss stood in the hallway. "Why was this door locked?" "I needed to concentrate." "I see," she said. "What are you working on?" "The Meyers matter." "The Meyers matter? I thought you were on Samuelson." "Nope, still on the Meyers matter." "I need that one done." "I'm finishing it now." "I need it, Sam." "It'll be done by the end of the day." Sam's boss nodded, pivoted on the carpet, and swam down the hall. It was 11:30 a.m. After lunch Sam realized he could float. He floated up to the ceiling. It was fantastic; it was like flying. Sam swam out of his office. He did a long, graceful somersault from the ceiling down to the photocopier and then back up to the ceiling. His colleagues pretended not to see him. Around 3:30 p.m. Sam swam back into his office. He locked his door and sat down in his chair. An hour later he finished the Meyers matter and e-mailed it to his boss. Just after he hit "send," Sam kicked something. He looked down and, for the first time, noticed a big stopper stuck in the floor under his desk. Sam, being curious, pulled on it. The stopper didn't budge. He grasped it with both hands and pulled again. The stopper came free, and Sam fell back into his chair. The water started draining. In ten minutes all the water was gone.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
One Hundred Thirty-Two Electrodes, An Interview with Rose Gowen, on Being a Test Subject By Rose Gowen Today the Toll-Booth Attendant Felt Chatty By Todd Levin Video Game Hints, Tricks, and Cheats By J. Robert Lennon A Memo from the Cap'n By Dan Kennedy A Recounting of the Iran-Contra Affair in the Authentic Verbiage of the Period By Dan Goldstein |
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