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- - - - Reporter: I'm here with twelve-star General Zachary Cecil, who was the commanding officer during World Wars Three and Four. This is his first interview since the wars, and I have many questions I would like to ask. General, not to take anything away from your extraordinary feats or superb military genius, but there is much scrutiny pointed in your direction due, in part, to the uncertain validity of the Fourth World War, as well as questions concerning your future plans and mental health. General: I'm aware of all that. We fought like dogs for Americans! Reporter: Well, no one questions your valor in the Third World War, in which you defeated all the other country's armies, in turn wiping out nine-tenths of the world's population. But, General, a lot of your critics suggest that seizing all non-American citizens who were in the U.S. at the time and just calling that World War Four, just to gain more stars... I mean — General: War is hell, I tell you. Those immigrants were tough as nails, and it took the full power of the American forces to wipe them off the face of this planet. Reporter: With all due respect, General, the alleged World War was over in thirty-six hours. General: It's not the time, but the fight that counts. As well as all the men and women who died for their country. Reporter: Again, I have to interject by saying that the only thing that came close to a casualty was a man who received a bruise when the cork from a champagne bottle struck him in the chest. I believe he and a group of soldiers were celebrating their rout of a small number of illegal aliens discovered at the border to Mexico. General: A mere technicality. Reporter: Isn't it also true that you plan to televise, on pay-per-view, the death of a refugee by firing squad and call it World War Five? General: That is, in fact, true. July 4th, 8:30 p.m. for only $39.99. Don't be the only one on your block to miss the greatest World War of all time. Reporter: General, what about this new level of warfare you were hinting at? General: Oh, yes. We also plan to take war to a whole new level by destroying all the bacteria on Mars in the upcoming Intergalactic War One. Reporter: Intergalactic War One? So you plan to have others? General: Of course! Our next plan of action is to obliterate the gases that make up the rings of Saturn. That will be Intergalactic War Two. Intergalactic War Three is still in the brainstorming phase. Reporter: Well, I'm terribly sorry for the lack of subtlety, General, but don't you think your actions are a bit rash and illogical? General: That's just like people to show no respect for heroes. Reporter: But, General, I don't see how the gases around Saturn have anything to do with — General: This interview's over! You can learn more about me in my hour-long biography, which will be broadcast before World War Five this July 4th. Available only on pay-per-view.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Sleep By Stephany Aulenback No Hurry By Matthew Summers-Sparks Kai Tek Casualties By Lori Reese Actual Conversation with Roberta, Nine-Years-Old By Alexander Rose Four More Shots By Kevin Sampsell |
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