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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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D I A L O G U E   B E T W E E N T W O   T E E N A G E R S , O N E   I N T E R E S T E D   I N   C A R S A N D   O N E   N O T . BY ROBERT SCHIPTS - - - - Interested: Whose car do you think is faster, yours or mine? Not Interested: I have no idea. Interested: Well, okay, what kind of car do you drive? Not Interested: A 1988 Honda Accord. Interested: That car is a big piece of shit! Not Interested: That is what I can afford. Interested: So, it is still a big piece of shit. Not Interested: Well, it works. Interested: Works like a big piece of shit works. Not Interested: What does that even mean? [Long pause.] Interested: You know what kind of car I drive? Not Interested: No. Interested: A 1999 Ford Mustang. Ford, baby! Ford. Not Interested: Is that a good car? Interested: Damn right it's a good car. Not Interested: I see. Interested: Does your car go fast? Not Interested: It goes however fast I make it go. Generally around forty miles an hour I guess. Interested: Fuck that! My car goes 140 miles per hour. 140, baby! 140. That is one hundred more than yours goes. Not Interested: Right. [Long pause.] Interested: I am thinking about getting some nitrous. Not Interested: Some what? Interested: Make my Mustang go like forty miles per hour faster. If I want it to. Interested: Do you drive many places at 180 miles per hour? [Long pause.] Interested: Who do you think is taller, you or me? Not Interested: I really have no idea. Interested: I bet I am taller than you. Not Interested: You're probably right. Interested: You know how tall I am? Not Interested: [Sighing] I don't know, five-ten, five-eleven? Interested: More like six-one. I'm six-one, baby! Six-one. Not interested: Okay. Interested: How tall are you? Not Interested: Five-nine or so. Interested: That is what I thought. Not Interested: You thought I was five-nine? Interested: I don't know. All I know is I am three inches taller than you, baby. Not Interested: Right.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Thoughts on Mothers, Collected But Not Published by Good Housekeeping, Part Two By Genanne Walsh Thoughts on Mothers, Collected But Not Published by Good Housekeeping, Part One By Genanne Walsh Taco Charlie, Part Three By Cheryl Wagner Taco Charlie, Part Two By Cheryl Wagner Taco Charlie, Part One By Cheryl Wagner

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL