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In eight illustrated books, elegantly held together in a single beribboned case, McSweeney's Issue 28 explores the state of the fable. For the next two days, it's $5 off.

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C L A S S   O F
' 7 6 .


BY MIKE TOPP


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Quote

"The raw-vital reverse-spin funk thrill of jeans" is how Tom Wolfe once celebrated denim.

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Fugitive Pope

Why is the Pope upset? While washing dishes at a retreat for priests, he stumbled upon them watching a porno movie. What would make the Pope happy? If priests realized a clean soul is like a clean plate: you can see yourself in it. Failing this: paper plates.

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Knife-Thrower

As a knife-thrower who performs with my wife in the circus, I never get a chance to relax. At work, I'm tense about stuff at home. At home, I'm tense about stuff at work.

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Idea for a Movie

Mike Topp: You know what would make a good movie? Something about a king who has 300 wives, but inside he's real sad.

Mike Topp's friend: What makes him sad?

Mike Topp: Maybe we'll never know. You know what I mean?

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My Pet

I don't have a pet. If I could have one, I would like a troll. I would name my troll Kevin. The thing I would most enjoy doing with Kevin is watching him have sex with other trolls.

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Dishwasher

The Yupik Eskimo word for dishwasher is eruurivik.

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Another Idea for a Movie

Mike Topp: You know what would make a good movie? Something about a king who has 300 wives, but inside he's real sad.

Mike Topp's other friend: What makes him sad?

Mike Topp: He thought he was slipping into his forties very gracefully, but — to make a long story short — evidently not.

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The Ten Greatest Books of 1976

Adam: San Francisco's Greatest Poet/Vet
Is Intuition What I Think It Is?
Being and Nothingness in Capone's Chicago
Pray Your Pimples Away
Selected Latvian Short Stories about Stomachs
The Law and You: You and the Law
How to Draw Crabgrass
Breaking Your Guppy's Bad Habits
Wayback, Ohio
Time Travel Then and Now
The Best of G. Gordon Liddy
Furry in a Hurry

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Third Idea for a Movie

Mike Topp: You know that movie I said I was going to make about the king who has 300 wives, but inside he's real sad?

Mike Topp's first friend: Yeah, you finally figure out what makes him sad?

Mike Topp: We build to that, you see. At first you think he's sad because his throne is cold, then you think it's because of all the knights just hanging around and staring at him, looking to him for something to do. But then, one night, the king has this dream where he's outside a window looking at a kid eating a TV dinner and the kid's parents aren't around, he's just eating and he's all alone, the kid is ALL ALONE, you know?

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Class of '76

Okay, this girl has just picked up a homeless guy, and she's convinced he's Charles Bukowski. But he's not.

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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AC/DC: The Board Meeting By John Kenyon
The Checkout Girl, An Interview with Rose Gowen, on the Business of Groceries, Part One By Rose Gowen
It Could Happen to You By Stephany Aulenback
More Cases from the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives By Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath
Samson By Michael Stein

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Memories of Amanda Davis

 


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