Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

T H E   F R A G M E N T E D
C A S E   F I L E S
O F   B R O C K   S H O W A L T E R ,
F U N D A M E N T A L I S T   C H R I S T I A N
D E T E C T I V E .


BY BRIAN N. PACULA


- - - -

"Showalter, do you really expect this sting operation of yours to work?" said Chief of Police Darren Smallerby. "What if Rodriguez doesn't take the bait?"

"Don't worry, Smallerby," said Brock. "Christ Jesus may be the only way into the Kingdom of Heaven, but there's more than one way to catch a dope peddler."

Smallerby frowned.

- - - -

"That's all wrong!" shouted Officer Bixby. "You're full of it, Brock!"

"You bet I am," said Brock. "Full of the Holy Spirit, that is."

- - - -

"You can't keep beating yourself up over Frank Parmonte's death, Brock. It wasn't your fault," said Officer Danwick. "There's no way you could have stopped it from happening. Just remember, he's in Heaven now, watching over Frank Junior."

"Actually," said Brock, "he's in Hell now. Frank was Catholic. "

- - - -

Officer Lamke covered his eyes and gagged. "This is the most gruesome crime scene I've ever seen!" he exclaimed.

Brock turned away. "There's only one hoodlum who could be capable of such a monstrous atrocity."

"Who?" asked Lamke. "Rodriguez?"

"Satan," said Brock.

- - - -

"It seems our unlikely partnership has come to an end," said Bruno Levi, Orthodox Jewish Bounty Hunter. "And to think, we almost had Rodriguez this time."

Brock smiled. "Until we meet again, Christ-killer."

They both laughed.

- - - -

"Well, that one's in the bag," said Chief Smallerby. "Nice work, Showalter. Case closed."

"That's what you think, Chief," said Brock. "But if you ask me, there are more holes in that case than the Theory of Evolution."

Smallerby dropped his coffee mug.

- - - -

"If you could go back in time and be anybody you want to be," said Officer Lamke, "what would you choose?"

"I'd be a king in medieval times," said Sergeant Crawdad.

"I'd want to go back to World War II, and be an ace fighter pilot," said Lieutenant Ballywick.

"I'd like to be a citizen of Rome in the first century," said Brock, "and be savagely martyred for my faith in Christ."

- - - -

"We're out of bullets," panted Jimmy. "Gasoline is leaking all over the floor, our car is gone, and twelve of Rodriguez's men are outside that door. This is it, boss! This is the end! We're done for!"

Brock chuckled quietly. "With God, all things are possible, Jimmy."

- - - -

The foundation of the building shook.

"Brock!" cried nightclub singer Mia Wellborn, "what was that?"

"It could be a bomb," said Brock, "unless it's the Rapture, in which case you're on your own, sister."

- - - -

"Now, do you see?" asked Professor Gurmley. "Mankind did not evolve from apes or monkeys. We all had the same common ancestor. Somewhere down the line, one branch of that ancestor's family tree evolved into monkeys, another branch evolved into apes, and yet another evolved into human beings."

Brock narrowed his eyes. "Do you expect me to swallow this nonsense about my forefathers being chimpanzees?"

- - - -

"Follow me!" shouted Brock. "They ran in here!"

"Brock, are you sure?" gasped Officer Luftrack.

"Is the Pope the Anti-Christ?"

They dashed inside.

- - - -

"At last, we meet again," Rodriguez gloated. "But this time, the advantage is mine. Any last words before you meet your maker, Mr. Showalter?"

"Jesus is Lord," said Brock, "and whosoever believeth in Him shall have life everlasting."

Rodriguez pulled the trigger.

- - - -

"So it ends," choked Rodriguez. "Isn't this what you always wanted, Showalter? Leave me to die in peace."

"No," said Brock, kneeling before his bullet-riddled criminal mastermind archnemesis. "Not until I tell you the Good News about Jesus."

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
- - - -


Multiple Choice By Michelle Crouch
Snakehead Recipes By Ben Greenman
In the Heating Aisle By James Wagner
North Carl, New Hampshire's Application for Pajamas Capital of the World By Alysia Gray Painter
Thistle By Sarah Eaton

- - - -

MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES

 

Memories of Amanda Davis

 


Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

NEW WHOLPHIN FILM

DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST

JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW

SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT?

DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA

THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL

BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS

DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST

DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY

LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT

ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES

ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS

ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY

DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY

ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY

DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE

JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO
A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA


STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL