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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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T A K E   A   P E N N Y , L E A V E   A   P E N N Y . BY KEVIN BLASKO - - - - Take A Penny: These pennies are here for you, take one. Please. Look at the total, it ends in a two, a seven, a one. This total is shameful. Now is not the time for inconvenience. Take a penny, release the shame. Leave a Penny: Be a part of the community. Contribute. You are a brother to everyone — you can leave a penny. Grab your neighbor's hand, they will your hand. You, neighbors, will all join hands and together you will form a chain around the convenience store. There will be a song to sing and you will know all the words. Leave A Nickel: You miscreant. You don't get it, do you? Are you a professional agitator? Are you perhaps missing the point of a world divisible by five or ten? Now someone will reach for this dispenser and get nothing but despair, and more shame. There Are No Pennies: You wallow in a world of one, two, three, six, seven, eight, and nine. You dread the second decimal — and why not, the second decimal is full of dread, it's true. Your Total Is $2.05: You suffer somewhere between boasting and guilt. This too shall pass. You Pay with a Credit Card: You would probably leave a nickel if you had one, I bet. You Try to Pay with SpeedPass Card: It used to be the credit card, but you seem to have fallen down the ladder a bit. SpeedPass is but a false prophet. Beware false prophets. Only by taking or leaving pennies shall you ever know salvation. You're Wearing a Nylon over Your Head and Waving a Gun in the Air: You are either an addict or you lost your SpeedPass. Now you're taking everything. A penny here and there was fine at first, but now you have moved on to taking whole rolls, emptying registers. You're into bills now. Seek treatment. You can't hear yourself, but everyone else hears your cry for help.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Creepy By Sean Condon The Seventy-Ounce Steak, An Interview with John Laslo, about Eating It All in an Hour, Part One By Matthew Summers-Sparks No Excuses By Dan Kennedy Sheila Heti and The Middle Stories The Fourth Man By Sarah Manguso

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL