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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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- - - - GIANT PAW What time is it by your watch? Mine says "Giant Paw." - - - - SPARROW CALLS HIS OWN MASTER Sparrow called out to himself every morning: "Master." Then he answered himself: "Yes, boss." And after that he added: "Don't forget the zucchini." Again he answered, "Yes, boss." And after that, he continued, "Don't be fooled by others." "Yes, boss, yes, boss," he answered. - - - - MADAME BOVARY The person that I am most interested in is Madame Bovary. At the same time, I'm afraid to read anything about the French lady. - - - - READY REFERENCE Wayne is a Capricorn. - - - - SALT & PEPPER I'm in the salt business. We make table salt that we're very proud of — it's very salty. My brother is in the pepper business so we get along quite well. Whenever I go over to his house we show each other our products and see who comes out on top. But we're great pals. - - - - UNFAITHFUL My first wife had a tawdry affair with basketball player Karl "The Mailman" Malone, which she ended when he rolled his eighteen-wheeler in our front yard. She still really loves me. - - - - POST OFFICE There's this trick I do where I swallow letters, then I swallow stamps, then I pull them out and all the letters are stamped. - - - - Q&A WITH AUTHOR PHIL REDONDO Q. Hi Phil. What's new? A. Just got back from Hawaii. Q. Hope you had fun. Surf much? What else have you been up to? How's your love life? A. I get a lot of offers — for a wizened, balding middle-aged man. I guess it's just the unassailable aura of self-confidence I exude. I think if I have to see any woman more than once a fortnight I suffocate. What's up with that? Q. [Science fiction writer] Scott W. got married in Australia to an Aussie, according to a mutual friend. A. You marrying types. I can see Scott with one of those weird hats with the brim plastered to the side, his gangly, pasty legs poking out of khaki shorts, careening on a jeep in the outback, wildly waving the Foster's in his hand to emphasize his rambling, esoteric points. What woman wouldn't go for that? Q. I heard you've been looking for regular employment. How's that going? A. I've been asking a lot of people for jobs — I want to work in publishing but am having trouble because of my "felonies." Q. The job market is tight right now, really tight. A. I was recently introduced to Peter M., who apparently doesn't care about criminal records. Q. Do you want to do something next week? A. Sure. - - - - TODAY I can't see too well in the dark. My mom says it had something to do with my diet when I was a kid.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Man-Made Rain By Gabe Hudson The Seventy-Ounce Steak, An Interview with John Laslo, about Eating It All in an Hour, Part Two By Matthew Summers-Sparks Have No Insurance, Will Freelance By Dan Kennedy Signs and Wonders By Stephany Aulenback Evidently, It Was Live Then By Dan Kennedy |
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