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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

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O P E N I N G   L I N E S I ' V E   T R I E D   T O S H O C K   M Y M I D D L E   C L A S S F A T H E R   W I T H O N   T H E   P H O N E . BY DAN KENNEDY - - - - I can't put my finger on it, but something about dropping my pipedreams about writing, finishing my cosmetology degree, and opening a little shop here with my friend Keith feels so liberating. Have you ever noticed that when you're drinking more than usual and letting your health insurance lapse that, suddenly, every lump, pop, or pain feels terminal? I just noticed that the man who stayed here last night has left some money on the kitchen table. [Deep breath.] That should come in handy while waiting to see if my other pursuits pan out. Whenever I'm feeling down like today, all I do is think of what my friend Tiffany said at Narcotics Anonymous last week. She looked at me and said, "I realized when I was writing 'Entertainer' on my tax stuff that dreams can come true if you're willing to chase them." Some people, man... [Mocking tone.] "We cannot accept the YMCA as a current address. If you've lived somewhere less than two years, you can just give us your last permanent address." Hellloooo? Two years ago I was living at the same YMCA! Do you guys have "flaggers" in California? All you do is stand on the corner and raise your hand if you see a police car. Real hard work, right? I was like, "Yeah, I think I can handle it, considering I'm thirty-four-years-old and you're, like... sixteen, dude." I have a new phone number. It's a payphone though, and we all use it, so please do me a big favor and try not to sound like a cop when you call. Goddamn I.R.S. Can I leave forty grand in cash with you and Mom until like June? What is hepatitis, exactly, lungs or liver?     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Five Experiments with AOL's Voice Recognition Software By Ron Grunberg On the Night Shift, An interview with Aaron Bostian, on Vacuuming, Scrubbing, and Mopping By Suzanne Yeagley Conversation between Two People By Stephany Aulenback Issue No. 9 Is On Its Way to You My Beard, Reviewed By Chris Bachelder

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE WINGS AT THE BALLET YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT THANKS AND HAVE FUN RUNNING THE COUNTRY LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL