- - - - I can't put my finger on it, but something about dropping my pipedreams about writing, finishing my cosmetology degree, and opening a little shop here with my friend Keith feels so liberating. Have you ever noticed that when you're drinking more than usual and letting your health insurance lapse that, suddenly, every lump, pop, or pain feels terminal? I just noticed that the man who stayed here last night has left some money on the kitchen table. [Deep breath.] That should come in handy while waiting to see if my other pursuits pan out. Whenever I'm feeling down like today, all I do is think of what my friend Tiffany said at Narcotics Anonymous last week. She looked at me and said, "I realized when I was writing 'Entertainer' on my tax stuff that dreams can come true if you're willing to chase them." Some people, man... [Mocking tone.] "We cannot accept the YMCA as a current address. If you've lived somewhere less than two years, you can just give us your last permanent address." Hellloooo? Two years ago I was living at the same YMCA! Do you guys have "flaggers" in California? All you do is stand on the corner and raise your hand if you see a police car. Real hard work, right? I was like, "Yeah, I think I can handle it, considering I'm thirty-four-years-old and you're, like... sixteen, dude." I have a new phone number. It's a payphone though, and we all use it, so please do me a big favor and try not to sound like a cop when you call. Goddamn I.R.S. Can I leave forty grand in cash with you and Mom until like June? What is hepatitis, exactly, lungs or liver?
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Five Experiments with AOL's Voice Recognition Software By Ron Grunberg On the Night Shift, An interview with Aaron Bostian, on Vacuuming, Scrubbing, and Mopping By Suzanne Yeagley Conversation between Two People By Stephany Aulenback Issue No. 9 Is On Its Way to You My Beard, Reviewed By Chris Bachelder |
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