For the rest of the day, you can get any available issue of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern for $5. Yep. Just $5. This deal is only good through Friday (today), so stock up before the long holiday weekend. - - - - |
- - - - The setting: An office in a major U.S. city, as MAX WHALEY and his co-worker and roommate LARRY MONROE congregate near the water cooler to discuss an important meeting with their boss, ARCH FITZSIMMONS. Max: All right. Phew. My God. Okay. What do we say? Larry: Relax, will you? You're getting too worked up over this. Be cool. Take a chilling tablet. Don't have a cow. Max: But! But! Larry: Trust me. I know about Fitzsimmons. I've heard some things. Max: Things, Larry? Things? Well, excuse me, Larry. Do you hear me, Larry? We need this raise, Larry. Oh, my God, do we need this raise, Larry. Larry: (smirking, relaxed) Yes, Max, we do. By the way, I slept with your girlfriend. Max: (spitting water in a fine spray) What the... ? (Laugh track.) - - - - CUT TO: The office of ARCH FITZSIMMONS. MAX and LARRY are seated in oversized chairs before his enormous desk. A magnificent cityscape is visible through the picture windows. Fitzsimmons: (hands spread in front of him) I'm a proud man, a handsome man. I've worked hard. I have a family. A pristine energy flows through me. Can you feel it? I have tremendous love for life. So, what can I do for you boys? Larry: (smooth, with confidence) Here's the deal, Arch. May I call you Arch? Fitzsimmons: (stone-faced) No. (Laugh track.) Larry: Pow. Anyway, Arch, Max and I need some more dead presidents, if you know what I'm saying. Max: (frantic, sweating, grabbing) No, sir, see, what he means, sir, is — Fitzsimmons: Go easy, Pendleton. I know what he means. Max: (confused) You do, sir? Fitzsimmons: (rising from his chair) Yes, and it is an outrage! Max: Sir? Please, sir! Oh, God. Fitzsimmons: I've read your reports; I've seen the numbers in your spreadsheets; I've crouched beside your cubicles and eavesdropped on personal phone conversations; I've been apprised of your behavior at Ann Baxter's retirement party; I've found your college transcripts in the copy machine; I've witnessed your blatant misuse of company-supplied Blackberry handheld devices; I've overheard your sarcastic men's room commentary. Max: Those were your wingtips in the farthest stall? (Laugh track.) Fitzsimmons: You two are the biggest goofballs this company has ever seen. Clean out your desks, gentlemen, I want you gone by the time I get back from lunch. (FITZSIMMONS storms out of the office. A beat.) Larry: That went well. (Max breaks into tears.) (Laugh track.)
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Emotional Scratch-Offs By Jeff Johnson Mikey: An Investigation By Eric Spitznagel The Cyanide Came in the Mail By Josh Bearman This is Mitch, Part Two By B. Brandon Barker This is Mitch, Part One By B. Brandon Barker |
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