W I N D O W S   M E S S A G E S , A S   I F R E W R I T T E N B Y   S C O T T , T H I S   G U Y   W H O B U L L I E D   M E I N   T H E S E C O N D   G R A D E . BY MATTHEW SUMMERS-SPARKS - - - - Original Windows message: Norton AntiVirus found a disk in the floppy drive. In order to decrease the risk of being infected with a boot sector virus, remove the floppy disk before you shut down the computer. Click OK after removing the disk. Scott's revised message: If you don't remove your stupid floppy disk from your stupid floppy drive, I'm going to pound your skinny butt, Summers. After removing the disk, click OK. Quit crying. - - - - Original Windows message: System has encountered a fatal fault. Click Debug to see the error log. Scott's revised message: Why do you wear that stupid purple jacket all the time? It makes you look like a dork. By the way, your system has encountered a fatal fault. Click Debug to see the error log. Dork. - - - - Original Windows message: Save changes to document? Click OK or Cancel. Scott's revised message: Hello, Matt. It's Scott. Now that we're adults, what do you say we meet for lunch? A little bistro just opened near my office; they serve excellent sandwiches. Let's catch up! I have some news to discuss with you concerning how you stink and your mom thinks you're dumb. Click OK or Cancel. - - - - Original Windows message: Are you sure you want to exit Windows? Scott's revised message: Remember how it seemed as if I was always outside, waiting for you after school? Well, I wasn't; it was a trick. Some days, I was happy knowing that you were terrified of me waiting outside, ready to lunge at you from behind the dumpster. I feel that I can now tell you that I had other obligations at the time: I had to bully five other kids. I didn't realize it then, but I was an expert at time management by the age of seven. Today, I'm even better at time management. I have managed to schedule time every day, from 5:00 through 5:20, to devote to my favorite hobby, bullying. You get off work at 5:00, right? Perfect. I'm sure you still stink, but do you still wear that stupid purple jacket? Come outside! Exit Windows! I'm waiting, dork.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Scene From My Pilot By Bryan Charles Emotional Scratch-Offs By Jeff Johnson Mikey: An Investigation By Eric Spitznagel The Cyanide Came in the Mail By Josh Bearman This is Mitch, Part Two By B. Brandon Barker

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL