- - - -
Just in time for Valentine's Day,
the Guardian in London has
reviewed and raved about
The Secret Language of Sleep.
And, for the rest of the week,
you can buy it for $5!
- - - -
- - - - Original Windows message: Norton AntiVirus found a disk in the floppy drive. In order to decrease the risk of being infected with a boot sector virus, remove the floppy disk before you shut down the computer. Click OK after removing the disk. Scott's revised message: If you don't remove your stupid floppy disk from your stupid floppy drive, I'm going to pound your skinny butt, Summers. After removing the disk, click OK. Quit crying. - - - - Original Windows message: System has encountered a fatal fault. Click Debug to see the error log. Scott's revised message: Why do you wear that stupid purple jacket all the time? It makes you look like a dork. By the way, your system has encountered a fatal fault. Click Debug to see the error log. Dork. - - - - Original Windows message: Save changes to document? Click OK or Cancel. Scott's revised message: Hello, Matt. It's Scott. Now that we're adults, what do you say we meet for lunch? A little bistro just opened near my office; they serve excellent sandwiches. Let's catch up! I have some news to discuss with you concerning how you stink and your mom thinks you're dumb. Click OK or Cancel. - - - - Original Windows message: Are you sure you want to exit Windows? Scott's revised message: Remember how it seemed as if I was always outside, waiting for you after school? Well, I wasn't; it was a trick. Some days, I was happy knowing that you were terrified of me waiting outside, ready to lunge at you from behind the dumpster. I feel that I can now tell you that I had other obligations at the time: I had to bully five other kids. I didn't realize it then, but I was an expert at time management by the age of seven. Today, I'm even better at time management. I have managed to schedule time every day, from 5:00 through 5:20, to devote to my favorite hobby, bullying. You get off work at 5:00, right? Perfect. I'm sure you still stink, but do you still wear that stupid purple jacket? Come outside! Exit Windows! I'm waiting, dork.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Scene From My Pilot By Bryan Charles Emotional Scratch-Offs By Jeff Johnson Mikey: An Investigation By Eric Spitznagel The Cyanide Came in the Mail By Josh Bearman This is Mitch, Part Two By B. Brandon Barker |
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