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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.
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- - - - Original Windows message: Norton AntiVirus found a disk in the floppy drive. In order to decrease the risk of being infected with a boot sector virus, remove the floppy disk before you shut down the computer. Click OK after removing the disk. Scott's revised message: If you don't remove your stupid floppy disk from your stupid floppy drive, I'm going to pound your skinny butt, Summers. After removing the disk, click OK. Quit crying. - - - - Original Windows message: System has encountered a fatal fault. Click Debug to see the error log. Scott's revised message: Why do you wear that stupid purple jacket all the time? It makes you look like a dork. By the way, your system has encountered a fatal fault. Click Debug to see the error log. Dork. - - - - Original Windows message: Save changes to document? Click OK or Cancel. Scott's revised message: Hello, Matt. It's Scott. Now that we're adults, what do you say we meet for lunch? A little bistro just opened near my office; they serve excellent sandwiches. Let's catch up! I have some news to discuss with you concerning how you stink and your mom thinks you're dumb. Click OK or Cancel. - - - - Original Windows message: Are you sure you want to exit Windows? Scott's revised message: Remember how it seemed as if I was always outside, waiting for you after school? Well, I wasn't; it was a trick. Some days, I was happy knowing that you were terrified of me waiting outside, ready to lunge at you from behind the dumpster. I feel that I can now tell you that I had other obligations at the time: I had to bully five other kids. I didn't realize it then, but I was an expert at time management by the age of seven. Today, I'm even better at time management. I have managed to schedule time every day, from 5:00 through 5:20, to devote to my favorite hobby, bullying. You get off work at 5:00, right? Perfect. I'm sure you still stink, but do you still wear that stupid purple jacket? Come outside! Exit Windows! I'm waiting, dork.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Scene From My Pilot By Bryan Charles Emotional Scratch-Offs By Jeff Johnson Mikey: An Investigation By Eric Spitznagel The Cyanide Came in the Mail By Josh Bearman This is Mitch, Part Two By B. Brandon Barker |