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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

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W I N D O W S   M E S S A G E S , A S   I F R E W R I T T E N B Y   S C O T T , T H I S   G U Y   W H O B U L L I E D   M E I N   T H E S E C O N D   G R A D E . BY MATTHEW SUMMERS-SPARKS - - - - Original Windows message: Norton AntiVirus found a disk in the floppy drive. In order to decrease the risk of being infected with a boot sector virus, remove the floppy disk before you shut down the computer. Click OK after removing the disk. Scott's revised message: If you don't remove your stupid floppy disk from your stupid floppy drive, I'm going to pound your skinny butt, Summers. After removing the disk, click OK. Quit crying. - - - - Original Windows message: System has encountered a fatal fault. Click Debug to see the error log. Scott's revised message: Why do you wear that stupid purple jacket all the time? It makes you look like a dork. By the way, your system has encountered a fatal fault. Click Debug to see the error log. Dork. - - - - Original Windows message: Save changes to document? Click OK or Cancel. Scott's revised message: Hello, Matt. It's Scott. Now that we're adults, what do you say we meet for lunch? A little bistro just opened near my office; they serve excellent sandwiches. Let's catch up! I have some news to discuss with you concerning how you stink and your mom thinks you're dumb. Click OK or Cancel. - - - - Original Windows message: Are you sure you want to exit Windows? Scott's revised message: Remember how it seemed as if I was always outside, waiting for you after school? Well, I wasn't; it was a trick. Some days, I was happy knowing that you were terrified of me waiting outside, ready to lunge at you from behind the dumpster. I feel that I can now tell you that I had other obligations at the time: I had to bully five other kids. I didn't realize it then, but I was an expert at time management by the age of seven. Today, I'm even better at time management. I have managed to schedule time every day, from 5:00 through 5:20, to devote to my favorite hobby, bullying. You get off work at 5:00, right? Perfect. I'm sure you still stink, but do you still wear that stupid purple jacket? Come outside! Exit Windows! I'm waiting, dork.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Scene From My Pilot By Bryan Charles Emotional Scratch-Offs By Jeff Johnson Mikey: An Investigation By Eric Spitznagel The Cyanide Came in the Mail By Josh Bearman This is Mitch, Part Two By B. Brandon Barker

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE WINGS AT THE BALLET YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT THANKS AND HAVE FUN RUNNING THE COUNTRY LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL