Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

- - - -

Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama
.

- - - -

T H E   R E V O L U T I O N ,
C I R C A   W H E N E V E R .


BY JIMMY CHEN


- - - -

When they lost track of the inches, the Superintendent of Documents was called in. He always carried a titanium ruler with him that measured part of his leg. His name was Gerald but they called him Goe. He liked lines but really loved circles. Goe had fantasies about being stabbed in the hand with a protractor.

'Hey Goe, we have a situation.' The leader said.

'Let me guess. It's the inches.' Goe said.

'Yes, they're all gone.'

'Even the ones close to the corner?' Goe asserted.

'All gone.' The leader persisted.

'What about by the blocks?'

'All gone.'

This had happened before, but Goe was a patient man. Each time this year the sky would curve into itself, forming a tight narrow dome. Light resided within the arc of the sky, murky and opaque. Marks flew like butterflies in sine waves. Segments got smeared by sweaty palms and the law of quadrants folded away.

Goe exhaled lightly and removed his ruler and began the re-measurement process. This would take about seven days. Very methodically, Goe laid the ruler on the floor, keeping track of all the ends, careful not to overlap. Ever since the zero shortage, people were encouraged to only add. He left marks on the ground. One by one. Sometimes the marks would curve, but they were so small it didn't matter.

By the ten thousandth New Inch, Goe took out a pad from his chest pocket. It was bound by a spiral wire and had yellow paper with light blue lines. These lines continued into the air. He began writing in the pad. There were marks that looks like words. Above, the sky made sounds like the shell of an egg.

'What's that?' said the leader.

'Just a note.' Goe replied.

'Does it have something to do with this?', pointing to the neat sequence of lines on the floor.

'Yes.' Goe said.

'What does it say?' the alarmed leader inquired.

'Water is like a circle without a center.' Goe answered.

'What does that mean?'

'Continuity without control' Goe said.

By now they were shin deep in the flood. The neatly drawn segments on the floor blurred, refracted by the light that came from above. Each time the water moved, a prosaic of recorded measurments underneath unbound like excited tadpoles. Things would never be correct again. The revolution had begun. Goe would lose his job. The animals would drown. The last state of a line before it breaks is an arc, Goe thought to himself. He calmly put his ruler back in his pocket. Goe had always thought to himself, he liked the direction his circle was headed. When the last wave hit, he started speaking very loudly.

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
- - - -


Trampoline Hall Tour Diary, Day Four By Sheila Heti
Sometree/Anytree? By Ben Greenman
A Fulfilling Afternoon By Sara Grady & Dehlia McCobb
Arthur Blessit, Notable Walker By Samantha Hunt
K. Veerabadran, Notable Walker By Samantha Hunt

- - - -

MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES



Memories of Amanda Davis




Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

NEW WHOLPHIN FILM

DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST

TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS

NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS

BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING

DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY
TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE


GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY

THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER

OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION

DISPATCHES FROM MANILA

DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS


REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE

LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX

NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR
AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS


B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM

CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ

AND HERE'S THE KICKER:
MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS


GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES

SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW

DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER
WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE


DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT

DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL

DISPATCHES FROM INDIA

THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL

SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

ABOUT THE WILD THINGS

ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT

ABOUT FEVER CHART

ABOUT GOD SAYS NO

ABOUT ZEITOUN

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL
TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY


E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT
FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM


TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO,
DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK


JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER

STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL