T H E   F I R S T   M A T E ' S I N S T I T U T E O F T E C H N O L O G Y I S   N O T   A P A R T Y P I R A T E   S C H O O L . BY TREVOR COE - - - - 21 September 2002 Teresa A. Bonny, Pir.D. Dean, Sir Francis Drake College of Piracy University of the Atlantic Hilton Head, South Carolina re: Your comments in the Journal of International Buccaneering (J.I.B.) Ahoy Dean Bonny: This missive is intended to officially protest certain statements ye made recently in an interview given to the Journal of International Buccaneering (J.I.B.) during the doldrums of this year. While I was captivated by your insightful analysis of the effects of Monsoon season on Indonesian pillaging returns, which, as always, was a refreshingly cogent discussion of contemporary Macropiratic theory, your skullduggerous slandering (below) of the First Mate's Institute of Technology was inexplicably antagonistic as well as plainly inaccurate: J.I.B.: Has there been any progress with respect to a matey-exchange program with the First Mate¹s Institute of Technology? DR. BONNY: Arrgh! Those scurvy dogs! Why, I remember when I were but a Cabin Girl at Sir Francis Drake's, we would sortie down to FMIT on weekends to swig their grog and ravish their wenches. And a gleemful time we had at it too, I'll tell ye! Arrr, it's not much of an academic institution though, to be perfectly frank. Aye, they've turned out a few Seaworthy Mates over the years, but it's not worth our time at Sir Francis Drake's to bother with them. The classroom time we would have to waste on floggings alone would be unfair to our young Buccaneers. FMIT is really more of a party Pirate School, it is! (Journal of International Buccaneering, p. 72, Vol. 423, #4. July/August 2002) Shiver me timbers! It is no secret that the institution ye lead is rightly esteemed far superior to our salty technical college, but such blatant disrespect for FMIT is plainly unconscionable. I need not point out that the Humanistic Order of Oceanic Knavery, governing body of the Modern Association of Swashbuckling Theory (on the board of which ye sit), fully accredited FMIT to award Bachelor's and Master's degrees in High Seas Piracy in 1728. The Institute's School of Swabbing was further accredited to award a Master's degree in 1807. First among the many noted Seaworthy First Mates to venture forth from our halls is the loyal Mr. Smee. We also embark upon important academic research in Advanced Piracy here at FMIT. As ye know, I recently have had the good fortune to be recognized with the HOOK's prestigious Chest O'Booty for me work on the ethics of mutiny. These representative, though by no means comprehensive, credentials suffice to refute the academic keelhauling FMIT received from ye in the pages of the J.I.B. What remains a mystery is why ye should choose to lash us to the mizzenmast of academic discourse and flay us with the cat-o'nine-tails of your contempt. I can only hope that ye will uphold pirate honor and recant your dastardly disparagings; else I expect ye will deservedly be marooned amidst a general squall of academic opprobrium and intellectual disgrace, just as the once noble and lofty Captain Kidd met his end on the King's avenging gibbet: like a common, landlubbing ruffian. Do remember, as me hallowed ancestor, John Rackham, was wont to say, "Avast; every Sea-Dog buckles his swash one loop at a time." Very truly your matey, Philip J. Rackham, M.H.S.P. President, First Mates Institute of Technology Montauk, Long Island P.S. I look forward to putting this unfortunate episode behind us and hefting a flagon of grog with ye at this year's Conference Corsairique Globale in Martinique, this February. cc. Dr. Robert J. Lafitte, Editor, Journal of International Buccaneering     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - My Dog Pete By Ed Page Coming Back From the Pub. . . (1987–1999) By Jonathan Gibbs How Winter Begins in the ER: Day Three By JB Orenstein How Winter Begins in the ER: Day Two By JB Orenstein How Winter Begins in the ER: Day One By JB Orenstein

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