H O W G R A N D
I S M Y
G A R D E N :
T H E N E W J O B
A P T I T U D E
T E S T .
BY NICK STARR
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1) Complete this sentence:
"I am most at home. . .
a) . . .swimming in a river, next to a kayak."
b) . . .dashing through the backyard of a complete stranger, with nothing but a kayak on my back."
c) . . .eating exotic food out of a kayak."
d) . . .telling kayak jokes to a small family of canoes."
2) If you were a baseball player, which one of these qualities would you be most likely to bring to the team?
a) Great swing.
b) Crafty with the old pine tar.
c) Throws a mean knuckler.
d) Loves a good hot foot!
3) Imagine a sterling silver tray, bursting with cookies. It has all types of cookies in all the shapes of the world. Each cookie has a little nametag pinned to its little lapel. Which cookie do you eat?
a) Lazy bones snicker doodle.
b) Bad old ordinary oatmeal.
c) Horrible outside, wonderful inside strawberry jam and shortbread sandwich cookie.
d) Sanitary but not delicious vanilla wafers.
e) Chocolate chocolate chocolate job.
4) You're alone on a boat with only a spool of yarn, a tin of ham, three toothpicks and a gallon jug of grape juice. Oh no! The boat is sinking. It's too heavy. Which of the items in the boat do you throw out to stay afloat?
a) Grape juice: Delicious yes. Also heavy.
b) Tin of ham: Too salty.
c) Toothpicks: If the ham's no good, there's nothing to pick out of your teeth.
d) Yarn: Easy to trip on. May also attract cats.
e) The invisible stowaway: Got shifty eyes. Can't trust that guy.
5) Who doesn't enjoy a nice hayride on a warm summer day at the farm? Let's go on a hayride and look at all the different things we see. Close your eyes and imagine this fun relaxing hayride. Which is your most favorite thing to see on our warm little hayride, on a summer day at the farm?
a) The good-for-nothing owl.
b) The industrious muscular pig.
c) The trusty barn.
d) The dare-devil hen.
e) The insecure rooster bird, who totally has a crush on one of the cows.
KEY
The Kayak Proposition helps determine long term job goals and creative aptitude.
If you chose (a) you are a strong personality, who doesn't mind working on his own. Try a career in actuarial services or real estate.
Adventurous go-getters tend to choose (b). Athletic and tall, you prefer the outdoors. Professional camper is the job for you. For those of a more domestic persuasion, try line chef or something in the legal profession.
Those who choose (c) are good sports and adapt well to change. Better than a) but way less good than c) stick to what you know: library sciences.
If you chose (d) you aren't taking this test seriously. Buzz off.
The Baseball Query aims to determine an individual's ability to work in a group setting.
If you chose (a) you're a real team player. You don't mind sacrificing your preferences for the good of the team. You make me sick.
People who choose (b) tend to "think outside of the box." These creative-types are important to the team, but sometimes feel frustrated when compromise is required. You'd be a good painter, but also probably pretty good as like a golfer. Or, what about a trolley conductor?
You are adventuresome and boisterous, if you picked (c). Some might say even say daring. I say, baker.
If you picked (d) you have the spunk and spontaneity that is invaluable in a team setting. It's good to know there's someone around who likes a good joke, especially when the pressure's on. But, let's see how funny it is when you blow this account, Mr. Wise Cracker!
The Cookie Conundrum is an old psychological test meant to measure general personality traits and constitution. It also tends to determine a workers energy level and desire for advancement. Many companies serve an assortment of cookies at their office parties. CEOs and company heads watch their employees' choices very carefully. So should you.
If you chose (a) it's time to work on your overall energy level. Try drinking fresh spring water instead of beer or soda. Take up hiking, rather than endless hours in front of the TV. Also, lose the girlfriend.
Middle of the road people tend to choose (b). Peppy and original you are not. Try beer instead of food and sleep.
You may have trouble getting along with middle management if you chose (c). The good news is, your drive for advancement will take you straight to the top. Don't actually eat that cookie, though.
Those who chose (d) are ardent and loyal, but not that peppy. But, still, you're peppier than the guy who chose b). That guy is so boring, it's a crime.
If you chose (e) you have energy to spare. A real spark plug and bucket of enthusiasm, you thrive in a fast paced and demanding environment. Two good jobs for you are double agent spy and ad executive.
The Sinking Boat Scenario determines a person's ability to work against deadlines and in other high-pressure situations, such as boats.
You don't like rash decisions, if you chose (a). That doesn't mean you're all that smart, though. If you were really on that boat you'd already be dead.
Conservative and serious, those who chose (b) shine in formal business settings. Somewhere that requires crisp white shirts, dark suits and understated ties. Avoid the toothpick industry at all costs.
Spunky is a good word to describe the person who picks (c). You are courageous under pressure and you never back down from a fight. You also demand fairness in all situations, even if it isn't to your advantage.
If you chose (d) then you probably didn't even read the question. Try nursing.
Those who chose (e) are keenly aware of their physical environment and slow to adapt to new situations. Steer clear of the water cooler.
An experienced job aptitude counselor can usually guess with 95% accuracy how a person has answered the previous four questions, just by looking at the answer to this fifth and final one. The Farm Inquiry is by far the most telling, unless you are farmer.
People who chose (a) are pushy. Give 'em an inch, they take a mile. We don't need your type. You're rotten clean through.
If you chose (b) you are a kind spirited person with an unrealistic sense of the job world. Though a hard worker, you have trouble standing up for yourself, especially when it comes to money. Don't be a doormat. With a little more bravery, you can achieve that success you so deeply desire.
Those who chose (c) are lunatics.
Get-up-and-go is a hallmark of those who chose (d). That's the stuff of personal trainers and inventors.
Don't worry about a thing. If you chose (e) then you're right on track. Keep doing what you're doing and the path to job success will become clear. You're likable and kind. Although, you may feel, that people don't see it. That's not you're concern. Yes, the entire company hates you. All the companies and all the people, who work for those companies, despise you. Stay the course!
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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The First Mate's Institute of Technology is Not a Party Pirate School By Trevor Coe
My Dog Pete By Ed Page
Coming Back From the Pub. . . (1987–1999) By Jonathan Gibbs
How Winter Begins in the ER: Day Three By JB Orenstein
How Winter Begins in the ER: Day Two By JB Orenstein
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