- - - - Male Voice #1: "…the time has come. Now we will rise…" Male Voice #2: "Yes, for we are hungry!" Female Voice #1: "Well, I, for one, am famished…" Male Voice #3: "And soon we shall feast!" Male Voice #4: "…hey batter-batter-batter…" Male Voice #1: "Yes, my brothers, and I know just what we shall eat!" Female Voice #2: "Ooh, look at the…" Male Voice #2: "Grouper?" Male Voice #3: "No, the duck!" Male Voice #4: "…sa-wing batter!" Female Voice #1: "I don't know. Duck is so fatty, no?" Male Voice #2: "Not the grouper?" Female Voice #2: "The grouper does look nice." Male Voice #3: "Yes, fat like our enemies, and stupid, and web-footed!" Male Voice #2: "Web-footed?" Female Voice #1: "I read that Jennifer Lopez is on some diet where she eats nothing but grouper." Male Voice #3: "J–Lo mocks us!" Male Voice #1: "But now it will be we who spin the web." Female Voice #2: "…have you seen the size of her…" Male Voice #2: "Did he say web-footed?" Male Voice #4: "…we want a pitcher…" Female Voice #1: "…good idea. I am completely parched." Male Voice #4: "…not a belly-itcher…" Male Voice #2: "Spiders spin webs, not ducks, right?" Male Voice #3: "But is everything prepared?" Male Voice #5: "The duck is prepared with a currant glaze and comes with a side dish of roasted carrots. My name is Steven, if you need anything…" Male Voice #4: "…knock the cover off the ball there, Stevie!" Male Voice #1: "So, we are ready!" Female Voice #2: "Steven, we're ready." Male Voice #4: "…give it a ride, Stevie, give it a ride!" Male Voice #2: "But where will the duck come home to roost?" Female Voice #1: "Florida! That's great. Where?" Male Voice #2: "It is chickens that roost, yes? Not ducks." Male Voice #1: "…where it is warm…" Male Voice #4: "…fire away, Steve-o, fire away!" Male Voice #3: "…they think they are safe there…" Female Voice #2 "…Miami?" Male Voice #2: "…we will strike!" Male Voice #4: "…yer outta there!" "Steven": "Alrighty, then. Does everybody know what they want?" Male Voice #3: "Death to the infidels!" Female Voice #1: "New shoes!" Male Voice #2: "The duck." Male Voice #1: "Yes, the duck." [Maniacal laughter from males #1, 2, 3, and possibly Male Voice #4: "…man, I haven't been to a game since…" Female Voice #1: "…last spring…" Male Voice #1: "They will all perish…" Male Voice #4: "…April of…" Female Voice #2: "…West Palm?" Male Voice # 3: "Let us pray for…" Male Voice #4: "…Steeeeeeeeve!" Male Voice #1: "…at exactly twelve noon…" Male Voice #2: "…Boca, very nice…" Male Voice # 2: "Are you going to finish that?" Female Voice #1: "…trust me, it's to die for…" "Steven": "I'm sorry, but we're out of the duck." Male Voice #1: "…impossible!" Female Voice #2: "…for God's sake…" Male Voice #3: "…dirty bomb, please…" "Steven": "I'll be back in a jiff." Male Voce #2: "Yes, so it shall be the grouper!" Male Voice #1: "Vengeance!" Male Voice #2: "Web-footed!" Female Voice #2: "Tampa!" Male Voice #4: "…this place blows…" Female Voice #1: "…from your mouth to God's ears."
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
An Interview with Parken Ward Brown, Age Two, on the Recent Visit of Local TV Weatherman Ben Gelber to His Preschool By Peter Ward Brown Nome Dogfights By Susan Anderson Free the Advanced Biological Weapon System: An Interview With Richard O'Barry By Brent Hoff How These Stories End By Stephany Aulenback An Interview With David Kirk, Tuba Player and Musicians' Spokesman, About the Houston Symphony Going on Strike, Conducted February 20, 2003 By Whitney Pastorek |
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