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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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- - - - 1. In markets with eighteen or more TV stations, one media company may own up to three TV stations, as long as only one of said stations ranks among the four top-rated local stations, and at least one of said stations devotes itself to round-the-clock, commercial-free rebroadcasts of Law & Order. 2. In the interests of promoting the diversity necessary to the health of a democratic republic, the FCC has decreed that every airing of Law & Order must be immediately followed by an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, a television series similar to the original Law & Order, but sexier. For every three episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit aired, the station must air one episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent, which is not sexy at all. 3. Under the auspices of the new FCC provisions, in a market containing at least 11 television stations, 25 radio stations, and two cable companies, the new rulings governing cross-ownership indicate that any one company may choose from the following ownership options: two television stations, two radio stations, and one bodega; one television station, one radio station, and three bodegas; or no radio stations, eight bodegas, and one television station that only airs closed-circuit footage of one of the bodegas. 4. In markets promoting wi-fi, any one media conglomerate may own and operate no more than 12 websites, eight of which may be linked to one another. Of those 12 websites, no fewer than three should cultivate and promote pornographic interests. Of the eight required links, six of them must be a link between a pornographic site and a non-pornographic one. Two non-pornographic sites may never, under any circumstances, be linked to one another. 5. In a market containing a creamery, a bindery, a haberdashery, and a pan-Asian buffet, any one media conglomerate may now own unlimited televisions, 14 radios, five iPods, and an ink-black Cadillac Escalade. 6. In the interests of healthy competition between meat and produce, in media markets containing at least three legalized ham radio operators, any media conglomerate with a 25 percent market share may now compare apples to oranges. For major NPR commentators, the long-standing ban on apple/orange comparisons remains sturdily in place. 7. In the interests of efficiency in old-timey information, many regulations have been thoroughly deregulated. In those markets predominantly composed of pre-industrial villages, sleepy hamlets, and beast-infested hinterlands, the long-standing ban on cross-ownership of carrier pigeons, smoke-signal fires, and semaphore flags has been lifted. Local pigeons will finally have flags and fires at their disposal as they bring clumsily re-enacted episodes of Perfect Strangers to rural audiences. 8. In the interests of curbing competition among the wealth of Spanish-related languages, Telemundo and Univision must combine and form one network: Panhispania. To curb the ill effects of such a merger, however, Panhispania's content shall be thoroughly regulated. From 6 AM–2 PM, Panhispania shall broadcast exclusively in English. From 2 PM–10 PM, Panhispania shall broadcast in Esperanto with English subtitles. From 10 PM–6 AM, Panhispania may broadcast in Spanish, as long as two-tiered subtitles — both English and Esperanto — take up the vast majority of the screen. 9. In the interests of regulating the spread of crackpot conspiracies, in markets with 60 or fewer deinstitutionalized schizophrenics, only five may roam the streets in support of perennial presidential candidate Lyndon LaRouche. Such schizophrenics may not, however, claim membership in the Lost Tribe of Israel. 10. In the interests of general awesomeness, the NHL shall merge with the NFL. For the sake of the democracy, however, all players must be heavily sedated at all times; if normal sedatives are unavailable — as they are in some smaller markets — players must be, at the very least, relieved of any and all anxiety via one of the many popular anti-anxiety medications, including, but not limited to, Xanax or Diazepam. Also, hockey and football shall no longer be hockey and football; they shall now be that game where teams play basketball on trampolines. To recap: all televised sporting events, from this point forward, shall be anxiety-free athletes playing trampoline basketball.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Diary of a Superhero By Francesco Marciuliano Silly Me By Ed Page More Cases from the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives By Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath Excerpts From My Speech on Forest Fire Prevention (Reprinted from February 22, 1999) By Arthur Bradford More History's Notable Persons Reconsidered By Tim Carvell Rounder Characters in No Time Flat By John Warner |
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