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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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- - - - At the Bookstore CLERK Next! YOU Good morning. I should like to purchase these volumes. CLERK Okey dokey. Let's see, the Dean Koontz boxed set, Canning at Home, and the new James Garfield biography. That will be $72.31 with tax. Would you like a bag? YOU No, I'm going to juggle them on the way out. CLERK All righty. YOU exit through front door, juggling the volumes with ease. - - - - Tipping the Movers JAKE That's the last of the boxes, there. YOU Thank you. Here is a shiny fifty-cent piece for each of your men, and an extra Susan B. Anthony dollar for you. JAKE (grunts) YOU I will be sure to recommend your services to others. JAKE You understand that we know where you live, don't cha? YOU Yes, you certainly do. * Alternate if Your Name is Also Jake YOU From one Jake to another … you certainly do. - - - - Ordering Pâté de Foie Gras YOU I'd like a tureen of your finest foie gras, Pierre. DAVID My name is David. YOU You French are not known for your sense of humor. DAVID This is a library. YOU And at these prices, I can see why. DAVID You are sitting in a potted palm. YOU See, did you even get that? "And at these prices, I can see why." Get it? - - - - Enjoying Girl Talk with Jodie Foster JODIE So I've got an idea for my next project. A sequel to Freaky Friday. It's called Mutanty Monday. I play my own mother and also this girl pianist with three arms. Gotta get the rights from Mary Rodgers, though. HOLLY HUNTER There a part for me? JODIE Of course, Holly! You play the piano. They laugh. YOU So, how about that John Hinckley Jr. thing, huh? HOLLY (picking up the phone)
- - - - The Cube Root of 162 SCIENTIST Hmm. Dang it, I need the cube root of 162 and my calculator's at the dry cleaners. YOU How many significant figures? SCIENTIST Fourteen, actually. I know it's a lot to ask. YOU No problem. 5.45136177849642. * Alternate if the Requirement is for the Cube Root of 163 Rather than the Cube Root of 162 YOU No problem. 5.46255557128140. - - - - Meeting the Puppet-Leader of an Oppressed Country the Day After a Bloodless Coup YOU From my country to yours I am extending a most beneficent hand in empathy. CÉSAR It is an honor. YOU Can you order your houseboy to please direct me to your facilities? CÉSAR Your accent, it is impeccable. YOU Yes, isn't it? - - - - Not Winning $1,000,000 in the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes ED McMAHON (ringing doorbell)
SALLY (opening door)
ED Are you Mrs. Sally Fantine? SALLY Yes … Oh my god! You're Ed McMahon! Have I— ED You bet you have, Sally! You've won $1,000,000! CUT TO YOU (sitting in front of a television)
GHOST OF JAMES GARFIELD (materializing)
YOU (succumbing to a sudden heart attack)
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Mr. Bunny: An Interview with Ames Montgomery, Who Recently Celebrated His Fiftieth Birthday by Legally Changing His Name to "A. Fluffy Bunny" By Mark Sorkin Three F U's By J.B. Orenstein Done in Pen, Again: More Poems by New York Times Puzzle Editor Will Shortz By Kevin Guilfoile A Few More Grim Stories By Stephany Aulenback Mom's Set List By Dan Kennedy |
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