- - - - [Read Cap'n Cook's Code of Conduct and A Memo from the Cap'n.] - - - - 1. We're Back / Inkjet Printer "Joke" We haven't published our little newsletter for a few new tides and to the top-notch Seamen/people who missed it, I offer a heartfelt "Ahoy." To the individual (Scott Pelson, weekday Shift Cap'n) — and you know who you are — who thought it was funny to Krazy Glue a salt shaker and a jacket from lost and found to the computer printer's paper-feed mechanism, I offer you this reprimand: No. Weekend. Shifts. For. A month, plus reduced hours during weekdays, and you can trade in your Shift Cap'n scarf and hat for a First Mate eye patch by the end of today… you have one new skull and crossbones in your sailing log. Congratulations. - - - - 2. Now That We've Swabbed the Deck… Let's talk about the fun stuff! Ahoy! Ahoy! Ahoy! Staff Appreciation Day — which everyone has decided by anonymous ballot will no longer be called "Seaman Day" — is just around the corner! This year, we'll be heading out for some barrels (one drink ticket per employee, please, and let's keep it fair) of rum and a feast of landlocked fowl! (One free Sample Sizer™, larger portions are available at employee-discounted price.) WHERE: Our newest location at Bell Square Mall! WHAT: Staff appreciation day for the sailors from our location (STORE 3398!) DETAILS: Hoist your favorite poison not including marijuana or other unauthorized refreshments, and enjoy our newest item on the Galley Grub Menu: LANDLOCKED CHICKEN LEGZ™! You'll even have a chance to do a karaoke. (No explicit lyrics, please. We had a problem as a result of last year's performance of "Gotta Back Up Against It (Pimp Gonna Pump)" by First Mate and Galley Supervisor Ty Lopez.) And… you'll even get some super-hot training on the great new equipment we use to give LANDLOCKED CHICKEN LEGZ™ their FlavorFried® taste and texture! BOTTOM LINE: Have a good time, Mateys! You've earned it… and don't forget to give a cheer of three "Ahoys!" for yourselves! - - - - 3. Sexual Misconduct Just a reminder (mostly Jill McFadden) that we'll have no inappropriate staff relations on board! Some questions to ask yourself if you are unsure of whether or not you are part of the problem or part of the solution:
- - - - 4. Changes in the Tide… As we bid former First Mate Kevin Callon (Store 2341) a joyous recovery from his situation with diet pills and excessive piercing, we welcome his return aboard in the very near future. Legally, we are required to mention herein that the Cap'n does not require, recommend, or pay partial favor in any way whatsoever including but not limited to employment, compensation, preferred scheduling, or any other implied or explicit incentive to employees willing to enhance their appearance with nose and/or ear accessories that might be considered "pirate"- or "sailor"-like. Nor does the aforementioned corporation and its officers encourage the use of stimulants of any kind to increase performance or hours worked on premises as "shifts," combined or in-total exceeding eight hours without proper breaks as outlined in the state-legislated food and beverage code available for viewing at any time by employee or patron. Ahoy! Ahoy! Ahoy! Let's watch the pills, piercing, and sexual misconduct and keep it clean so we can all continue to sail the high seas! Yo, ho, ho! The Cap'n
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Scripts for Everyday Use By Thom Verratti Mr. Bunny: An Interview with Ames Montgomery, Who Recently Celebrated His Fiftieth Birthday by Legally Changing His Name to "A. Fluffy Bunny" By Mark Sorkin Three F U's By J.B. Orenstein Done in Pen, Again: More Poems by New York Times Puzzle Editor Will Shortz By Kevin Guilfoile A Few More Grim Stories By Stephany Aulenback |
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