Please welcome Amy Jean Porter's horse T-shirt. For the next few days, the shirt is 20 percent off. - - - -

A N   I M M I G R A N T ' S   G U I D E T O   T R A N S L A T I N G A M E R I C A N   W O R K P L A C E S L A N G . BY JOHN LEARY - - - - Greetings new American Person! America is not the full of no-smile no-fun guys like you see in the movies. Also, they like to have good time. They have many speech points with color, for you here we've guided, below. Many of these parts will lift your ears with your new mates on the shift of your rewarding factory job. If you can find one! Ha-ha! "Shit rolls downhill." I lament the perceived inequalities of our capitalist system. "Payback's a bitch." Recompense may often seem unjust, but the world is a fair place. "Are you lookin' at me, Boat-boy?" Enough identity politics! "Life's a bitch and then you die." Death to bosses! "Life's a bitch and then you marry one." Death to bosses and bosses' wives! "I'm gonna open up a can of whoop-ass!" Pursuing this course may cause fisticuffs to follow (on your ass). "Money talks, bullshit walks." Our consumer commodity culture, though floating on a narrow raft in a sea of flim-flammery and hype, is not completely devoid of substance. "Work for the man, stick it to the man!" Honoring our elders can take many forms. "It's all good." I can respond in no other way but a meaningless platitude. "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Oh, life! Sometimes the weight of existence is so great that I require non-prescription medication.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Things I've Been Thinking About By Colleen Werthmann On the Occasion, Give or Take, Of the Fiftieth Anniversary of the First Staging, In Paris, Of Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot, A Few Representative Selections from The Annotated Treasury of Waiting For Godot Parodies By Ben Greenman You Have Problems with Paper, I Have Paper and Paper-Product-Related Credentials…No Problem By Dan Kennedy McSweeney's Brain Exploder: Celebrity "Phil" in the Blank By Carlton Doby Another in a Series of Sex Stories that Lose Their Way By Lucy Thomas

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL