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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

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A N   I M M I G R A N T ' S   G U I D E
T O   T R A N S L A T I N G
A M E R I C A N   W O R K P L A C E
S L A N G .


BY JOHN LEARY


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Greetings new American Person! America is not the full of no-smile no-fun guys like you see in the movies. Also, they like to have good time. They have many speech points with color, for you here we've guided, below. Many of these parts will lift your ears with your new mates on the shift of your rewarding factory job. If you can find one! Ha-ha!

"Shit rolls downhill."
I lament the perceived inequalities of our capitalist system.

"Payback's a bitch."
Recompense may often seem unjust, but the world is a fair place.

"Are you lookin' at me, Boat-boy?"
Enough identity politics!

"Life's a bitch and then you die."
Death to bosses!

"Life's a bitch and then you marry one."
Death to bosses and bosses' wives!

"I'm gonna open up a can of whoop-ass!"
Pursuing this course may cause fisticuffs to follow (on your ass).

"Money talks, bullshit walks."
Our consumer commodity culture, though floating on a narrow raft in a sea of flim-flammery and hype, is not completely devoid of substance.

"Work for the man, stick it to the man!"
Honoring our elders can take many forms.

"It's all good."
I can respond in no other way but a meaningless platitude.

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
Oh, life! Sometimes the weight of existence is so great that I require non-prescription medication.

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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Things I've Been Thinking About By Colleen Werthmann
On the Occasion, Give or Take, Of the Fiftieth Anniversary of the First Staging, In Paris, Of Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot, A Few Representative Selections from The Annotated Treasury of Waiting For Godot Parodies By Ben Greenman
You Have Problems with Paper, I Have Paper and Paper-Product-Related Credentials…No Problem By Dan Kennedy
McSweeney's Brain Exploder: Celebrity "Phil" in the Blank By Carlton Doby
Another in a Series of Sex Stories that Lose Their Way By Lucy Thomas

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YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN

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ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY

JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

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MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER

STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT

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