T H E   L I E S P E R P E T R A T E D   O N   M E B Y   P U B L I C   E D U C A T I O N , P A R T   O N E : S A L I S B U R Y C E N T R A L   S C H O O L . BY MICHAEL NORTHROP - - - - Kindergarten The Lie: Everyone may take one toy from the toy box. The Truth: Larger children may take your toy as well. - - - - First Grade The Lie: If you make that face, and someone hits you on the back, your face will stick like that. The Truth: If you make that face, and someone hits you on the back, your back will hurt. - - - - Second Grade The Lie: You are dumb and weird. The Truth: You are weird and dyslexic. - - - - Second Grade, the Special Ed. re-mix The Lie: That Dick, Jane, and Spot do all kinds of interesting things, things that are worth reading about. The Truth: Dick runs pointlessly, Spot is a dumb dog, and Jane always seems to be chasing Dick. - - - - Third Grade The Lie: No one will care that you spent last year in Special Ed. and are now a year older than your classmates. The Truth: The word 'tard can be used as nearly any part of speech. For example, "Go eat your 'tard lunch by your 'tard self, 'tard." - - - - Fourth Grade The Lie: Recess is a nice break from the school day. The Truth: Recess is an anarchic bruisefest in which social hierarchy is established based on Nerf football skills. You are known as "Nerf 'tard." - - - - Fifth Grade The Lie: Tall children should stand in the back row on picture day. The Truth: Tall children are more likely to fall off the back of the bleachers, as you do after growing six inches in a year and losing all semblance of coordination. - - - - Sixth Grade The Lie: You may begin to undergo some changes. It's nothing to be alarmed about. The Truth: Becky has her period during math class. She runs crying from the room. Weeks later, your voice begins to crack, forever ruining your pitch-perfect Yoda imitation. - - - - Seventh Grade The Lie: You are in junior high now. Everything will be better. The Truth: "Everything" does not include social acceptance, not getting punched in the arm, or girls saying hi to you. - - - - Eighth Grade The Lie: You are now ready for high school. The Truth: You are now ready for therapy.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Goofus, Gallant, Rashomon By Jim Stallard How He Spent His Summer Vacation: An Interview with Jonson Miller, Part Two By B.R. Cohen How He Spent His Summer Vacation: An Interview with Jonson Miller, Part One By B.R. Cohen McSweeney's Brain Exploder: Pittsburgh Puzzle Parry-In-A-Pen Match: "Let's Git it On!" By Carlton Doby "The Anomie of My Anomie is My Friend" a Scooby-Doo Treatment by Alice Munro By Ken Krimstein

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL