Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - -

M c S W E E N E Y ' S B R A I N   E X P L O D E R : L O N G - D I S T A N C E S O N G   P A R O D Y D E D I C A T I O N : " C H E R R Y   P I E . " EDITED BY CARLTON DOBY - - - - Dear Carlton, My fiancé Billy was shipped off to the Persian Gulf eight months ago. During the war in Iraq, he wrote when he could, but my primary source of information concerning his whereabouts came from CNN and, specifically, the daily press briefings by Brigadier General Vincent Brooks. Handsome and confident, the assured manner in which General Brooks related the events of each day made me proud of my country and proud of my man. Knowing that soldiers like General Brooks were in command of the troops allowed me to sleep soundly each night, looking forward to the day when Billy would come home and cast his eyes on our baby son for the very first time. With the "major hostilities" over, it seems as though they've mothballed General Brooks, and well… I miss him. Not as much as I miss Billy, but still. So please, Carlton, could you write a song parody about Brigadier General Vincent Brooks, sung to the tune of Warrant's "Cherry Pie"? Sincerely, Lisa S. Fort Benning, GA Well Lisa, for you and for every American with a loved one fighting for freedom overseas, here is your Long-Distance Song Parody Dedication: M.R.E (Meal Ready to Eat) (sung to the tune of Warrant's "Cherry Pie") Feed me M.R.E. War correspondent she can make me scream My dagger's pointed at the heart of her regime Sweet M.R.E. Briefin' in the mess tent Briefin' in the sand Briefin' in the Bradley RPG in her hand Briefin' in the Hummer S'why they call me smooth A double entendre Flanking move, yea Briefin' up in Baghdad She's as hot as Hades Extend my supply line Along the Euphrates Briefin' her at CentCom In Doha, Qatar Have you tried freeze-dried, M.R.E butter? Feed me M.R.E. War correspondent she can make me scream My dagger's pointed at the heart of her regime Sweet M.R.E. You see one star 'Cuz I'm a Brigadier Briefin' every mornin' Of my Army career Feed me M.R.E. War correspondent she can make me scream My dagger's pointed at the heart of her regime Sweet M.R.E. - - - - Now for this week's puzzle. Form as many words as possible from the following letters: BRIGADIER GENERAL VINCENT BROOKS Order your words from shortest to longest. Give yourself one point for every letter in the first word, two points for each letter in the second, three points for every letter in the third, and so on. (You can only have one word for each ascending length, i.e., one one letter word, one two letter word, etc…) Add another 100 points for having no letters left over. Entries should be sent by noon Friday to carltondoby@hotmail.com. The person with the most points will receive a McSweeney's book. In the case of a tie, the winner will be selected at random from the highest scorers. Standard Scrabble rules apply to eligible words. To quote the box: "All (English) words labeled as a part of speech (including those listed of foreign origin and archaic, obsolete, colloquial, slang, etc.) are permitted with the exception of the following: words always capitalized, abbreviations, prefixes and suffixes standing alone, words requiring a hyphen or apostrophe." Our arbitrator will be Webster's Unabridged Third International Dictionary. - - - - Click here for answers to last week's puzzle.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - The Bombay Palace All-You-Can-Eat Buffet: A Postcolonial Perspective By Pasha Malla The Complete Idiot's Guide to Meeting People More Famous Than You By Michael Ian Black I Am a Concerned Citizen By Adam Johnson Group Mobilization As a Desperate Cry for Help By Christopher Monks McSweeney's Brain Exploder: "Revenge of the Hunt and Peckers" By Sarah Garb and Megan Peterson

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