- - - - Who among us has not based the occasional quip upon the similarity in naming conventions used for those three groups of cartoon characters — the Smurfs, the Seven Dwarfs, and the Spice Girls? Dopey Spice, for instance, might prove a valuable addition to the band, while Ginger Dwarf is too horrible to contemplate. In the following law-enforcement procedural, each blank can be filled in with a phrase that is an anagram of a conflated Spice/Smurfs/Dwarfs character. For example: After inhaling the cayenne pepper, he let loose a ________. SPICY SNEEZE = SNEEZY SPICE Choose a character name from the first list and a surname from the second list. Three names in the first list will go unused, and none of the others will be used more than once. Each surname in the second will be used at least one time. In your answers, please provide both the phrases and the corresponding character names. (Unlike the example, the phrases in the puzzle are not semantically related to the names.) - - - - CHARACTER NAMES - - - - "Where is everybody?" asked Sponsky, the desk sergeant at the 21st Precinct. "They're out at that anti-peace protest at the U.N.," replied Jameson. "You know how it is with kids these days. A few of them start yelling 'Bomb Afghanistan!' or 'Attack Iraq!' and all their friends have to join in. Before you know it, they've started another one of these _____________ and it takes half the force to keep them in line." "Well, I wish I was out there too," Sponsky griped, putting the finishing touches on yet another incident report. "All I do is sit here and _____________ around all day." "Shhh! It's Esposito!" hissed Jameson. "What the hell is he doing here?" The highest-ranking member of the whole Police Department wasn't a common sight around the precinct house. "And look who he's got with him!" Marching reluctantly next to Esposito was a handcuffed Vinnie Panini, the notorious Mafioso, collector of logoed apparel, and scourge of marine life everywhere. "We got him this time, boys!" Esposito beamed. "Caught him red-handed killing a humpback whale!" Sponsky whistled. They'd brought Panini in before for Neon Tetra abuse and Red Swordtail theft. But those were strictly _____________ compared to something like this. Esposito sat down at Sponsky's ancient Underwood and began to peck out an arrest warrant. "That's an endangered species, Panini. You're going away for a long time." "You'll never make it stick, Esposito," Panini spat defiantly, adjusting his Budweiser tie. "I suggest you just sit there nice and quiet while the _____________ up the charges," Jameson advised as he inventoried the mobster's possessions. "Take care of my stuff," Panini said. "I'll be walking outta here soon and when I do, there better be _____________ on my head." - - - - Send your answers by noon Friday, September 12, to carltondoby@hotmail.com. The winner of a McSweeney's book will be chosen at random from all the correct entries. - - - - Click here for answers to last week's Brain Exploder.
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