- - - -
Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
- - - -
- - - - McSweeney's would like to congratulate Dan Kennedy on the release of his first book, Loser Goes First: My Thirty-Something Years of Dumb Luck and Minor Humiliation. You should go see Dan on his tour. - - - - Hello/howdy. Some of you may recognize me from another waterfront theme restaurant that I CHOSE TO RESIGN from recently after it was brought to my attention that Vendor West Concepts Corp. was re-purposing the ship/store/franchise and bringing in new senior management. Before CHOOSING to resign from my position, I told VCWC brass exactly what I thought of their decision, but was stopped mid-stream and told that the company really needed me to step in and revitalize the Coyote Sam's Cowboy Grill two piers down. So, let's square dance (get to know each other and get started on our work together)! We got a lot of work to do before sundown if we want to ride into the sunset and get ready for sun-up by the time the sun goes down today. - - - - I'M STILL LEARNING THE LINGO, FOLKS It'll take me a kind minute in this township to get the hang of a whole new lingo and lay of the land. Some of the phrases and ideas I'm putting forth are just 'Howdies' or 'loose thoughts' so just bare with me on this long cow ride. The most important thing, injuns, is to have some fun and serve some great Trail Grub™. So listen up — but more importantly, lighten up. Because if you're not happy on this trail, then the whole point of our decades old ad slogan is missed: "Fun meets food meets you®." - - - - MARIJUANNA SMOKING AND CREDIT CARD FRAUD WILL NOT BE TOLERATED As the new sheriff in town, I have to warn you that the saloon is the saloon and the general store is the general store… and ne'er the two shall mix. In other words, leave the peace pipe in your log raft or you'll have to go back to your log cabin with your squaw. (In plain speak, if I catch you with marijuana you can turn in your uniform immediately for a security deposit review and an exit interview so that closing remarks can be filed in permanently in your Vendor West Concepts Corp. employee history.) So, if you want your gun-slinging friend named The Smokeyweed Kid to work your shift with you, go back to your igloo and wait for your lonesome fool's gold (final paycheck) to arrive. The same warning goes for anyone taking credit card numbers from the drop and then ordering eleven hundred dollars of athletic shoes online or renting out hot tub suites at Passion On The Pier®. Ask FORMER Vendor West Concepts Corp. waterfront employee Ty Lopez how serious I get when theft or fraud occurs in my store/cowboy area. - - - - SUGGESTION CORNUCOPIA It's attached to the counter behind the front desk for you cowpersons to suggest cowperson words and phrases, as well as tell me about any other suggestions you have that will help me manage more effectively. If you have a terrific suggestion, just put it in the suggestion cornucopia and treat yourself (honor system) to a bag of candy corn for having done so! A pretty fair trade, John Wayne! - - - - DID NOT APPRECIATE WELCOME GIFT The magazine left on the office desk with a sticky note that, more or less, welcomed me to my newest venture with the company was an inappropriate gift for the workplace, pard'ner. Enough said.- - - - THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT APPROPRIATE ANONYMOUS SUGGESTIONS TO PUT IN SUGGESTION CORNUCOPIA "Captain assbite thinks he's a cowboy now!" "I'm Fuc**** tired." "I want to (have intimate relations with) Jill." - - - - A ROCK AND ROLL SURPRISE FOR TOP-RANKED STAFF MEMBERS I have one simple question. It is a question that will make clear that top performers will be rewarded in ways that most managers would never go for. Well, guess what Cowboys, injuns, and squaws… I AM NOT MOST MANAGERS! The question is: Who would like to meet and sober-party (non-alcoholic beverages only) with Mike Cotton!? That's right, the former keyboard player for the legendary Bay Area band The Tubes happens to be a personal sober-friend of mine. As such, he has agreed to come here and hang out with our top-performing employees, making for a night of rock and roll history not to be forgotten. Yep, surprise kids… I'm cool. I'm an adult who's not full of bunk. I'm the only boss who's actually pretty boss. Did I mention that the two top performers on staff will also get a pretty cherry gift certificate for a free personal homepage on the Internet designed by Mr. Cotton's new web design business ($1,200 value). Okay, pard'ners let's rock! - - - - APPROVED TV CHANNELS FOR COWBOY LOUNGE TV SET Let's keep it to sports (ESPN, 64) and soft rock videos (VH1, 32). Darren, I saw the humor in your pay-per-view adult program joke, but would appreciate your refraining from repeating this joke in the future. Hey, bet you'd look pretty cool hanging out with a certain San Francisco rock star talkin' keyboards and crazy tour pranks, Darren! It's only going to happen if you keep it clean and keep the blue humor out of the workplace. - - - - HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN How about three shouts of "Howdy Pard'ners!" to start us off on the right boot? Howdy Pard'ners!
- - - - Also, we are cutting back everyone's hours and in some cases asking a few of you to accept a temporary reduction in your pay while working your current schedule. —The New Sheriff
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
John Ritter, Greatest Mom-Kissing, Tranqilizer-Laced-Cookie-Baking, Serial Killer Robot in TV History, Dead at 54 By Sarah Vowell Some People Do Not Like Celebrities By Michael Ian Black The Tea Spectator Futures Preview for 2004 By Carl Durrenberger McSweeney's Brain Exploder: Gubernatorialyssa Milano By Carlton Doby Kafka at Camp: The Lost Diaries By Jeff Barnosky |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.