- - - -
Millard Kaufman's final novel has arrived!
Pick up Misadventure now—or, see what
you've missed out on thus far by picking up
both Bowl of Cherries and Misadventure
for 27% off the retail price.
- - - -
- - - - [Read part one.] - - - - S. A. Riley
Mr. Riley, I am writing in regard to your fine Patriot missile defense system. Of course, we all saw the Patriot's crackerjack performance in the Middle East on TV, but certain developments recently have given me — and some of my like-minded fellow citizens — pause to reflect on the advantages of such a system for home use. I'm sure you consider yourself a patriot, like I do, in the original sense of the word, and if you've ever tuned your Marine Band to 3,760 megacycles, just before sunrise, then you know what I'm talking about. Being a patriot today means a little more than dry runs through the national forest, if you catch my drift. So, I don't need to tell you what's massing in Haiti or what they've got parked off the Baja peninsula — the real source of what they call El Niño. You can understand the source of our concern. That is why we have come to consider the service of your fine defense system. We know your product is pricey, but how can you put a tag on freedom. Accordingly, I ask that you send me a color brochure on your latest product line and perhaps answer a few questions:
In addition, please let us know when would be a good time to come to the proving grounds for the demonstration. I await your reply, sir, and will maintain a "holding pattern" on our progress toward freedom until I hear from you. Enclosed is a check for three dollars to cover the catalog postage. Is there any way you could include a Patriot bumper sticker? I'd sure like that. Until then, as the Bible says, "Before the final flash are true men turned." Your fellow citizen, Adam Johnson
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
McSweeney's Brain Exploder: One More for the Riddler By Dennis Mahoney Smokesignals: The New Official Newsletter of Coyote Sam's Cowboy Grill® By Dan Kennedy John Ritter, Greatest Mom-Kissing, Tranqilizer-Laced-Cookie-Baking, Serial Killer Robot in TV History, Dead at 54 By Sarah Vowell Some People Do Not Like Celebrities By Michael Ian Black The Tea Spectator Futures Preview for 2004 By Carl Durrenberger |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.
