- - - - At the Check-out Counter: Cashier: Cash or credit today, sir? You: Cash? Credit? Bah! I challenge you to live dangerously! Erect your cities beside Vesuvius! Cashier: Whoa, Ken, I think you'd better double-bag this guy's eggs. - - - - Soliciting a Hooker: You: Lo! I am weary of my wisdom, like the bee that hath collected too much honey; I need hands reaching out for it. Hooker: Fifty bucks, honey. You: Lo! I have syphilis. - - - - Parenting: Envious Parent #1: Wow! Look at that goal! Gee, your little Bobby sure is fast. Envious Parent #2: And strong! Greasy, Lecherous Parent with Hair Plugs: And handsome! Lonely Housewife: And blond! You: Heh heh. - - - - At a Party: Partygoer #1: Nice party, eh? You: Because thou hast made danger thy calling, therefore shall I bury thee with my own hands! Partygoer #1: Gasp! Partygoer #2: Kielbasa, anyone? - - - - Throwing a Bachelor Party: Bachelor: Wow, thanks again for planning this whole thing for me. You: No problem, bachelor. Bachelor: I can't wait to go to this club you've been raving about. What was the name again? You: Uh… haha… um… uh… the "Eugenics Lab… " heh… Bachelor: Whoa, far out, man. - - - - Interacting with Co-workers: Co-worker #1: Long day's work, huh? Whaddaya say we head out with the boys and toss back a few brews? You: Why, yes — let's indulge and revel in Dionysian bacchanalia! Co-worker #2: It's ironic that you say that, since '"bacchanalia" is derived from Bacchus, the Greek equivalent of Dionysius. Though fulfilling the same basic duties as deities, Greek Bacchus and Roman Dionysius are based on such uniquely disparate cultures that they resist intermingling. So, in essence, your prepositional object is a contradiction, albeit a long dead one. Co-worker #1: Hahahaha, "long dead," hahahaha — that's a good one, Steve. - - - - Negotiating with Your Professors Professor: I'm sorry, Kevin, but I'm afraid that you blatantly plagiarized on your last essay. You: I remain unbound by your vulgar herd-morality! Professor: Kevin, this is Intro to Poststructural Theory. Nietzsche's debunked… and long dead. You: Boo! - - - - Ending the First Date Your Date: God, I had such a wonderful time tonight. You're so… so… charming and epigrammatic. And I'm sorry about the opera… I didn't know it was Tannhauser!... Oh, let's make wild, passionate love. You: Lo! I have syphilis.
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I Am a Concerned Citizen, Part Two By Adam Johnson McSweeney's Brain Exploder: One More for the Riddler By Dennis Mahoney Smokesignals: The New Official Newsletter of Coyote Sam's Cowboy Grill® By Dan Kennedy John Ritter, Greatest Mom-Kissing, Tranqilizer-Laced-Cookie-Baking, Serial Killer Robot in TV History, Dead at 54 By Sarah Vowell Some People Do Not Like Celebrities By Michael Ian Black |
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