- - - - Dear Vandals, I write in regard to your collective graffiti displayed on a study carrel — just east of the map collection and through the foreign books — in the Harold Washington branch of the Chicago Public Library. While your detailed Asian fetishes and sketches of generously-endowed hermaphrodites kept me distracted from my primary reading materials for quite some time, I thought you may benefit from a few tips that may better convey your sentiments. Choose your writing instrument carefully. Markers and Wite-Out will do. Avoid pencil; it rubs off far too easily — "CASTRATE ALL… " what? Your ideal method may be to etch directly into the wood, perhaps with a paperclip or very sturdy ballpoint pen. Along with imbuing a rustic, almost old-timey, timbre to your voice, it may avoid any further confusion over which ethnic group gives the best head. Secondly, bear in mind that a good majority of people are right-handed, causing most graffiti to become clotted up on the right-hand sides of desks. Writing on the left-hand side will not only set your message apart, but will add a pleasing, feng-shui effect to your canvas. Basically, if you truly want to stress that Scotty does, in fact, take it up the ass — think left. Finally, take heed when responding to your fellow vandals' messages. Imagine your fellow vandal has inscribed a bawdy and entirely incorrect statement in pencil, perhaps about his abnormal penis length and the amount of attractive young women who, just last night, took pleasure in every last inch. You must be ambiguous and glib in your response in the event that the initial point of contention rubs off on someone's sweaty forearm, or is lost forever in the terry recesses of the night janitor's rag. Nothing is more bewildering than a "YEAH AFTER YOU PAY THEM CAUSE YOU CAN'T GET ANY FOR FREE," accompanied by a lonesome arrow. A simple "fuck off" or "your mamma is gay" should suffice wonderfully as both a dissenting response and an independent assault. I do hope you consider these suggestions, not only for the sake of clarity and cohesiveness, but for your own readers' faith in you and your vast affection for young pussy. Respectfully,
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Suggested Venues for Grieving By Jonathan Gibbs The Moon: Myths and Facts By Stephany Aulenback The Will to Power: Maximizing Life Potential with Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche By Hansun Hsiung I Am a Concerned Citizen, Part Two By Adam Johnson McSweeney's Brain Exploder: One More for the Riddler By Dennis Mahoney |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.