W E L C O M E T O T H E
'5 0 S D I N E R !
BY ALYSIA GRAY PAINTER
- - - -
Poodle Skirt Patty with Jukebox Bacon: $10.95
A burger, a bun, and a lot of fun! (Specify amount of fun to your server.)
Elvis, Marilyn, & James Dean Beans: $7.00
Elvis, Marilyn, & James Dean loved these beans! (Or beans similar to them, or something edible in the same way that beans are edible.)
The Julius and Ethel Rosenburger: $10.99
You'll go straight back to a 1951 Cold War courtroom with one bite of this tomato-topped griller! We won't arrest you for spying, but you may arrest us for making this burger so good. (Eating a hamburger, however, should not be considered an acceptable ruse for spying. If you are caught spying while at The '50s Diner, you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, unless you are merely spying something delicious to eat on our mouthwatering dessert cart.)
Kanagawaffles: $8.99
Hold that syrup, sailor! One bite of these waffles and you're aboard Commodore Perry's ship circa 1854, waiting to sign the Treaty of Kanagawa, an important trade accord between America and Japan. Wasabi served on the side by request. (While the Treaty of Kanagawa eventually incited the daimyo, or warlords of Japan, to overthrow the ruling shogunate, you as our valued patron will not be overthrown after consuming these waffles. Nor should you attempt to overthrow anyone, be they a shogun or just your busboy.)
Descartes a la Carte: $7.99
Get ready for cogito ergo sum French dressing splashed on a choice of three tasty sides.
Everyone knows the fifties were nifty, and who was niftier than Rene Descartes, the celebrated
French philosopher who died in 1650? (Rene Descartes was not only nifty but constantly plagued by
universal doubts about the reality of a mechanistic physical world v. the nature of God.)
Romulus and ReMustard Chicken: $11.00
When Rome was established in 753 B.C.E., the brothers Romulus and Remus may have disdained utensils for their hairy mother's lupine teat, but we recommend a fork for this dish. Downing this savory blend of chicken, mustard, and pasta is nearly as satisfying as suckling a she-wolf! (You may also find that you have the strength and carnal ambition to establish a legendary city like Rome upon finishing this scrumptious selection, but you should simply return to your car and drive home. Do not start signing "Emperor" before your name and do not build any aqueducts or Coliseums if you can help it.)
Celestial Crab Cakes: $13.00
1054 C.E. —what a hopping, bopping time! When you weren't defending your cave with
dull-edged pottery shards, you were taking a moment to gaze up in abject fear at the colossal
supernova that formed the Crab Nebula. Our spicy crab cakes don't contain the ashes of our
ancestors, but they will make you see stars! (Or more likely visions of your ancient ancestors,
who may demand your soul. Please alert your server, and your visions will be escorted to the
parking lot. The '50s Diner is not accountable for spiritual skirmishes and/or soul-stealings
that may occur following the consumption of Celestial Crab Cakes or any of our forty temptational,
sensational entrees and appetizers.)
Desserts
The Black Forest Hole of Calcutta: $5.00
146 starving men couldn't eat this mountain of cherries and molten fudge if their last breaths depended on it! Don't call for help, because we're not coming! (The Black Hole of Calcutta, a heinous incident reputed to have taken place in 1756, is a dark episode in Indian-British relations. Should our customers wish to never find themselves locked in a 24' by 18' windowless room with dozens of other dying men, please do not visit the bathroom behind the salad bar. If our customers ever unhappily find themselves in such a dire situation, we advise against the serving of any Black Forest concoction, as any amateur epicure knows that Black Forest is a gooey, chocolicious treat typically employing cherries. We do recommend serving water, cold presses, and possibly oxygen tanks, if available.)
Chess Pie: $4.00
A real chess board is laid at the bottom of the pan, and rook cookies are hidden throughout. (Playing games prior to 550 C.E. involved a lot of rock-throwing and bloodshed, as well as some rocking of bloody sheds and shed-throwing and some more rocks and blood. Then a few nearly dead men with a latent if bloody sense of decorum realized they could throw rocks and kill things over a pretty black and white board. Alas, chess was born, and hundreds of years later, chess pie, which has very little to do with the game of chess and more to do with a half-cup of whipped cream mixed with sugar and baked for one hour at 350 degrees. We'd say some joke here with "checkmate" in it, such as "Eat this and then ask for your check, mate," but the legal team behind The '50s Diner has advised us to forgo that sort of thing.)
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
- - - -
A Letter That Seems To Be From My Garden Gnomes By Michael Knox
History's Notable Television Programs, Reconsidered By Tim Carvell
Short Imagined Monologues By Steve Martin
Just Call Me Zippy, An Interview With Amy Barich By Suzanne Yeagley
McSweeney's Brain Exploder By Carlton Doby
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.