- - - - A videotape recording of this procedure will begin shortly. I will state the date and time, clearly, then the camera operator shall enter this information electronically onto the videotape. The camera operator shall be of the same sex you are, unless you request otherwise. This option may not be possible in some areas. During this search, assuming compliancy, a privacy barrier (e.g. curtain, wall, sheet, screen, door, cardboard, beach towel, piece of wood, office cubicle divider, or any other similar barrier preventing visual inspection of the private parts) shall be placed between you and the camera operator. If compliancy is not assured and/or there is the threat of your resistance, camera operators are instructed to videotape both you and the officer conducting the search simultaneously to protect against allegations of interactions, in which case all or partial nudity may be captured on videotape. The purpose of this search will be stated before it is to begin. There is some evidence that needs to be obtained. While conducting the procedure, I shall, when possible, wear gloves. If it is not possible to wear gloves, I shall wash my hands thoroughly. Then I shall wash them again. You will be asked to hand over any hazardous materials before the search begins. Failure to do so will cause a situation. You will shake your hair vigorously. You will lean forward slightly against a stable countertop or the hood of an official vehicle. I will stand slightly to one side of your body. I will begin to search your hair and your head. Run my fingers through your hair. If you prefer to run your fingers through your own hair, I will watch this. I will inspect your nasal and oral cavities, including the crevices of the ear. You will lift your hair up off your neck. If you have any false teeth, you will remove them now. You will stand arms extended, fingers spread. I will unfold your collar, cuffs, sleeves, and other creases in your clothing. I will squeeze your collar out. I will run my hands over your shoulder and down the length of your arms, down to your hands, then back up and into your armpits. I will unbutton your shirt and pay special attention to your armpits, the small of your back, your chest. You will be taken to a more private area. You will remove your bra and lean forward. I will take hold of the center of your bra. I will instruct you to lift your breasts that I may inspect underneath them. I will descend to your waistband. I will run my hands over it and squeeze it. I will unbuckle you, unbutton you. Run my hands along your waist and proceed then to the buttocks and legs. Your legs will be slightly apart. I will unzip your pants or skirt. I will be using both hands at this juncture. I will be paying special attention to the seams. My hand will run well up into the groin. I will instruct you to squat down and cough. This will permit a visual check of your darker areas. Where possible, instruments will assist me with whatever may be difficult to reach. Then I will switch to the other side of your body, time permitting, and repeat the procedure from step one, methodically and with great care, this time more familiar with the curvature of your body, the nature of its hiding places. I will proceed as quickly as I'm comfortable, responsive to what I provoke. What I find will be placed in my evidence bag. We'll begin the search now. The time is midnight.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
An Important Message from Mephistopheles, Servant of the Prince of the Devils, from His Condo in Boca Raton By Juan Martinez McSweeney's Brain Exploder Edited by Carlton Doby What Kind of Ghost Do You Have? By Brian Bieber Creepy Clown under the Bed's Telepathic Message to Child in Bed, Age Five and a Half By Melissa Bell Money Making SchemesTM By Ben Greenman |
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