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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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A   M E S S A G E   F R O M T H E   P R I N C I P A L . BY JASON ROEDER - - - - October 18, 2003 Dear Parents: On behalf of the faculty and administration, I hope you're enjoying Columbus Day Month and the extra time this supplemental vacation is allowing you to spend with your young scholars. Already, CDM has saved our school—your school—thousands of dollars in utility costs alone. But the fact remains: we simply do not have the funds or infrastructure to cope with our disastrously overcrowded classrooms. We can chip away at the problem only so much by relaxing immunization standards. The challenge is daunting, but everyone involved in education must take on some of this burden. With that in mind, here's a look at what you can expect in the near future: In an effort to streamline our extracurricular offerings, all groups and teams will be pooled into a holistic Activities Club. Members will learn about Spanish culture, perform Romeo and Juliet, and take a helmet to the spine while catching a pass on a crossing pattern. When asked at a college interview what he or she did outside of class, your child can say, "Gosh, what didn't I do?" Students will be eligible to withdraw from school at age fourteen; they will be pressured to do so at age sixteen. We've upgraded our technology centers with the next generation in Apple computers: the Apple II. With protective goggles in short supply, all students in courses with a lab component will be tested for eye dominance and provided with a safety monocle. Nonessential courses and students will be taught in alternative classrooms. These portable scholastic environments, or "tarps," will allow for a more intimate educational experience, one that takes place without the distracting roar of heating systems or any of the myriad health hazards commonly associated with walls. Counselors on hand to help struggling students with their academic and personal problems will be replaced by a folder with Sbarro employment applications and a shoebox of barbiturates. Finally, something of an embarrassing correction to last month's bulletin. In the third paragraph, it was erroneously suggested that euthanized pets would be incorporated into the school's hot-lunch program. In fact, these meals will be served cold. We eagerly await the return of students to campus on November 1. We value your continued support because children really are our future. But we can't spell "future" without "u." Twice. Sincerely, Thomas Goodwin, Principal Note: Please retain this letter. It now represents the entirety of the English curriculum for grades five through nine.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Body Cavity, By Ross Martin An Important Message from Mephistopheles, Servant of the Prince of the Devils, from His Condo in Boca Raton By Juan Martinez McSweeney's Brain Exploder Edited by Carlton Doby What Kind of Ghost Do You Have? By Brian Bieber Creepy Clown under the Bed's Telepathic Message to Child in Bed, Age Five and a Half By Melissa Bell

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL