Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - -

A   M E S S A G E   F R O M T H E   P R I N C I P A L . BY JASON ROEDER - - - - October 18, 2003 Dear Parents: On behalf of the faculty and administration, I hope you're enjoying Columbus Day Month and the extra time this supplemental vacation is allowing you to spend with your young scholars. Already, CDM has saved our school—your school—thousands of dollars in utility costs alone. But the fact remains: we simply do not have the funds or infrastructure to cope with our disastrously overcrowded classrooms. We can chip away at the problem only so much by relaxing immunization standards. The challenge is daunting, but everyone involved in education must take on some of this burden. With that in mind, here's a look at what you can expect in the near future: In an effort to streamline our extracurricular offerings, all groups and teams will be pooled into a holistic Activities Club. Members will learn about Spanish culture, perform Romeo and Juliet, and take a helmet to the spine while catching a pass on a crossing pattern. When asked at a college interview what he or she did outside of class, your child can say, "Gosh, what didn't I do?" Students will be eligible to withdraw from school at age fourteen; they will be pressured to do so at age sixteen. We've upgraded our technology centers with the next generation in Apple computers: the Apple II. With protective goggles in short supply, all students in courses with a lab component will be tested for eye dominance and provided with a safety monocle. Nonessential courses and students will be taught in alternative classrooms. These portable scholastic environments, or "tarps," will allow for a more intimate educational experience, one that takes place without the distracting roar of heating systems or any of the myriad health hazards commonly associated with walls. Counselors on hand to help struggling students with their academic and personal problems will be replaced by a folder with Sbarro employment applications and a shoebox of barbiturates. Finally, something of an embarrassing correction to last month's bulletin. In the third paragraph, it was erroneously suggested that euthanized pets would be incorporated into the school's hot-lunch program. In fact, these meals will be served cold. We eagerly await the return of students to campus on November 1. We value your continued support because children really are our future. But we can't spell "future" without "u." Twice. Sincerely, Thomas Goodwin, Principal Note: Please retain this letter. It now represents the entirety of the English curriculum for grades five through nine.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Body Cavity, By Ross Martin An Important Message from Mephistopheles, Servant of the Prince of the Devils, from His Condo in Boca Raton By Juan Martinez McSweeney's Brain Exploder Edited by Carlton Doby What Kind of Ghost Do You Have? By Brian Bieber Creepy Clown under the Bed's Telepathic Message to Child in Bed, Age Five and a Half By Melissa Bell

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL