- - - - Dick and Jane went on a picnic. They spread the picnic blanket under a tree. Spot chased butterflies. Dick thought Jane was pretty. Jane thought Dick was handsome. Because Jane was polite, she poured lemonade for Dick first. Dick unpacked a stew with fish in it. It was a dish from his native land. Dick's real name was Roberto. He was from a country called Peru. Jane asked, "What is that funny smell?" Then she remembered her manners and put on a happy face. Dick paid attention to Jane. He saw the frown before she remembered to smile. "It is important to try new things," Dick said. "It is not nice to make fun." Jane wished she had a boyfriend who grew up in America. Her last boyfriend had seen every episode of The Brady Bunch. He also liked to sing the theme song to The Jeffersons. Dick said, "I think you will like it." He held a spoon up to Jane's mouth and raised his eyebrows. He knew she liked it when he acted sexy. Jane wished Dick would stop the Latin-lover act. A little of that went a long way, especially now that the sex was routine. Spot ran across the picnic blanket. "Spot, go to sleepy," Dick said. "Go to sleepy." Spot did not want to take a nap. He wanted to see if Jane's poor self-image ruined another date. Jane wished Dick did not have an accent. After living in Los Angeles for five years, she was a racist. Dick put the spoon down. He thought, Jane is being close-minded. That is too bad, because trying new things can make you smarter. Jane thought, Dick is not a very good boyfriend. My friend Mary said he is only a C+, and it is important to get As and Bs in school and in life. However, my high-school reunion is next month. If I show up with Mary, the lesbian rumors will start again. I wish boys did not make fun of girls who played sports. Dick said, "A penny for your thoughts, Jane." Jane thought, Next time I will suggest a movie, so we do not have to talk as much. However, she did not say it out loud. That would have been very rude. Jane said, "My mother said if you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all." Dick thought, Now I know why she did not have a boyfriend for two years. He did not say it out loud because he knew Jane took kickboxing classes at Crunch. Jane saw an angry look on Dick's face. She knew she had to cheer him up if she wanted him to attend her high school reunion. Jane asked, "Would you like a blow job?" "That would be very nice," Dick said. He remembered why he went out with Jane. As Dick and Jane lay down in the back of Dick's sport utility vehicle, Spot ate the spicy stew. He wanted to help. Spot knew Jane was a racist who saw the stew as a symbol of Dick's ethnicity. He also knew it added to her deep-seated feelings of shame. Jane breathed through her nose and thought, There must be an easier way to keep a man. Roberto thought, Jane got the hint about a more gentle technique. Maybe I will invite her to my company party after all. Later, Spot went number two a lot. He wished he had not eaten the stew. Sometimes Jane forgot her chores. That meant Spot did not go for a walk every day. Spot thought, I know I should not be a scorekeeper, but Jane makes me mad. Next time I will let her fall into a shame spiral like usual. Except for Jane and Spot, everyone had a very good time at the picnic.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
Early Bird Report Card By Pasha Malla About the Meet the Teacher Night, By Ken Krimstein A Message from the Principal, By Jason Roeder Body Cavity, By Ross Martin An Important Message from Mephistopheles, Servant of the Prince of the Devils, from His Condo in Boca Raton By Juan Martinez |
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