Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - - |
- - - - STATEMENT TAKEN ON: 09/06/03 at Southford Police Station by DC Brown #117
At approximately 3:40 a.m. on September 5, my wife and I watched the Hail Marys ride their bicycles and tricycles through my neighborhood for the twelfth morning in a row. They were noticeably intoxicated, evidenced by the way they swerved on their vehicles, their drunken antics, and one "hailer" who repeatedly screamed "I'm so drunk" as he passed by. A group of concerned members of the Mary Lane community had grown tired of being constantly awakened by these mischievous activities, which have been taking place for over two years. This group consisted of myself, my wife, Russell and Patricia Longworth, John and Julie Carleton, and Bill Weathers. Late last night we arranged a variety of obstacles along the steep, hilly path that the Hail Marys always take. These traps were set for preventative measures and to discourage such reckless activities; certainly they were no more inherently dangerous than the Hail Marys' typical behavior, and were not intended to cause any significant injury. Just after 3:30 a.m., the hailers rounded Rotter's Corner, where at least four of them crashed into Henry Rotter's hedges, where Henry found them four hours later, asleep. Those who made the turn began the descent down the steepest and straightest section of Mary Lane, and at that moment the first hailer engaged with the obstacles, which included an unpowered vegetable dehydrator, twelve square feet of fescue sod, Annie Longworth's inflatable pool alligator, spoons (and other blunt kitchenware), seven soft comforters (spread lengthwise across the road), two sixteen-ounce bottles of canola oil (same), five to six dozen Dixie cups filled with nontoxic poster paints of various colors, thumbtacks, six strobe lights and a fog machine, twelve strategically aimed sprinklers, a modest amount of blueberry honey, and two spools-worth of twenty-pound test fishing line. Please remember that the intention was one of nonviolent, harmless intervention, and had the Hail Marys used more caution when discarding their errant cigarettes, none of this would have happened to them, to us, to this community, to our city, and to poor Bill Weathers. Signed,
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
Joe By Paula Fox Untitled By Victoria Lancelotta McSweeneys's Brain Exploder By Carlton Doby Quadratic By Michael Martone Seven Failures By Lunchtime By Charles Baxter |
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