Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - - |
BY MICHAEL J. ROSEN - - - - To: M. Rosen
Thank you for your recent order of 250 grams of Tippy Top Orange Pekoe Tea in our Exclusive Airtight Tin. Your patronage is a valued part of our business. Since 1924, our one commitment has been to import the world's finest teas for discriminating consumers like you. Our one OTHER commitment is to you, our discriminating customer, because what good are zillions of teabags for just us? That's why our motto is: You put us in hot water! Thanks! To: M. Rosen
We thought you'd like to know that your order has been downloaded from our website, printed out on some fairly nice recycled paper, and taken to our Tea Room, which used to be our cousin's two-car garage. (We pass the savings on to you.) Because customer satisfaction remains our first concern (now that we've taken care of the leaking roof that ruined some of the finest organic Japanese sencha tea outside of Tokyo), we'll keep you apprised of your recent order. That's all the news for now! To: M. Rosen
While you're waiting for news about your tea shipment, here's a smiley we hope you'll enjoy! c('|')— (It's kind of like a tea cup crossed with the Kilroy-was-here guy.) Do not reply to this email; it is being automatically generated. To: M. Rosen
Dear MR (Hey, that's mister! and your initials, too. How cool—unless you're a missus, in which case, oops!), Your 250 grams of Tippy Top Orange Pekoe Tea is being measured on the most accurate scales in the industry. We don't even have Tina's Weight Watchers portion-control scale that we were using for a little while. Your tea's being placed in a foil-lined bag to double-ensure extra-freshness because we're sticklers about freshness. Like, for instance, we empty the staff refrigerator every Friday, so if you want your bottle of reduced-fat salad dressing, you have to take it home for the weekend and bring it back Monday. Thank you for your patience, but when you think that these teas originally came from teensy tiny towns way faraway in Asia, your teas are near the end of their long journey to your teapot. (P.S. Just realized you could be French, and the "M." could stand for "mademoiselle." Je suis daze olé! Remember eighth-grade French?) To: M. Rosen
Your Tippy Top Orange Pekoe Tea has arrived in sampling. We believe every pot of tea is as different as each customer. (That's in our Mission Statement.) So we like to get to know you and your new tea! It's part of our Quality Control Commitment Experience, which means, first of all, Putting Things in Capital Letters. I've got the tea right here, steeping. For THIS tea, three to five minutes is the ideal steeping time, unless you like your tea really really bitter with at least six packets of sugar. (I do, but this is YOUR tea! See, everybody's unique!) I'll write again soon. To: M. Rosen
Thanks for waiting. It's tea-licious! We take it without milk, on account of the fridge here is packed with everyone's lunches and leftovers and stuff, but if you'd like us to sample your tea with milk, just hit reply and place "MILK" in the subject line. We keep some 2% up at the house just for Unique Customers just like you! Bye, Tina! (or TEAna, as everyone here calls me.) To: M. Rosen
Dear Mr(s.) M. Rosen, Your tea(s) has/have arrived here safe and sound at shipping. We've tucked the special foil packet(s) into a cardboard box(es) and are filling the box(es) with biodegradable cornstarch packing "material." (People call them "packing peanuts," but they look more like pasta... penne, or giant elbow macaroni, but "packing macaroni" sounds weird.) Upon arrival, you can simply wash these down the sink. We recommend using filtered water heated just to the point of boiling—BUT NOT BOILING! —but that's only because we're always saying that about the teas. Tina in shipping likes to use the water from her dehumidifier since that seems like recycling to her, but that's as nuts as when she suggested we ALL take turns filling the candy dish on HER desk because she lets us have a piece whenever we want. Your stuff(s) should be there soon. To: M. Rosen
We just wanted to be the first to wish you Happy Holidays and a Great New Year! That's all for now! To: M. Rosen
Your tea is on its way. We are obliged to inform you that delivery may take seven to ten days, which makes us feel a little silly for hustling around like crazy people to get your order filled. FYI, we did tell the driver you were a VIP-TC (Very Important Pot of Tea Conaisseure—sorry, Robbie, the guy who did good in French, is out sick and no one here can remember enough of the letters to even look it up!), and to skip the truck-stop twenty-two-ounce steaks and the slutty help and just get the tea to your door. By the way, if the driver that drops off your tea is the same guy who picked it up here—he's like Dolph Lundgren meets Julio Iglesias! I'm a guy, and even I felt something... like I could tell how a girl would feel. Yowzah! We've appreciated your patience, but now your tea is out of our hands. To: M. Rosen
We thought you'd like to know that we know that you've had 250 grams of Tippy Top Orange Pekoe Tea in the swell container (and our Winter Sale CaTEAlog, with our compliments!) for at least a day and maybe even four days according to our records, and we in Customer Caring have not heard from you. Since we are 100 percent committed to you and your satisfaction, we are hoping that you'll break your vow of silence and tell us how you are enjoying your tea. Remember our motto: You put us in hot water. (Not the other way around.) Also, Tina's a little put off, to tell you the truth, since she really put her heart into this order—kind of felt a real connection to you—but if you answer this short note, I'm sure we can make like you didn't mean anything by it. This will help to bring closure to your recent order. Thank you for caring. To: M. Rosen
Dear M. Rosen, Why do we go to all this trouble to send you some extra-fancy tea if you're not going to sit down, enjoy it, and take some time to do a relaxing thing such as write us a friendly note? But because WE are 100 percent committed, we'd like to offer you a free phone card just for taking time out of your extra-fancy schedule to tell us how you are enjoying your Uptown Total Tea(s). Just hit "reply" and check one (or more) of the following. ( ) Yes, I am enjoying your fine tea(s).
M., should your tea needs arise again, we hope you'll think of Uptown Total Tea Emporium. We are waiting to serve you... tea!
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
Joe By Paula Fox Untitled By Victoria Lancelotta McSweeneys's Brain Exploder By Carlton Doby Quadratic By Michael Martone Seven Failures By Lunchtime By Charles Baxter |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.