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Just in time for Valentine's Day,
the Guardian in London has
reviewed and raved about
The Secret Language of Sleep.
And, for the rest of the week,
you can buy it for $5!
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- - - - June 25, 2004 Fellow Christians, The Second-Coming of Jesus Christ was a magnificent and joyous day for all. Interrupting a brand-new holiday episode of 7th Heaven with his divine electronic prowess, Jesus informed the world on the first night of Hanukkah that he would return on December 25, 2003, somewhere in Washington D.C. Cynics dismissed the announcement as a hoax, while the faithful flocked to churches everywhere in anticipation of Christ's reappearance. Doubts of His authenticity vanished on Christmas Day as He walked across the Potomac River and quietly addressed a breathless crowd gathering for the annual Anti-Kwanzaa rally at Christian Coalition headquarters. He connected with the masses as only Jesus can, mesmerizing on-lookers with profound messages of peace and hope. He outlined the steps necessary to steer the world toward a path of deliverance, stressing tolerance and compassion. With such virtuous ideals in mind, Jesus announced His intention to run for President of the United States. As President, Jesus insisted, He could rid the world of evil, unite humankind, end world hunger, and achieve eternal peace—shaping God's Land in the glorious image of Heaven. And so it is with great sadness that I write this letter urging you to vote against Jesus Christ for President. Just six months after His re-rebirth, it has become startlingly clear that Jesus has lost touch with America. Far from being a prudent Savior, Jesus has proven to be no more than a foolhardy liberal. Aligning Himself with the far-left minority, Jesus has adopted the lofty and politically correct delusions that have come to define the liberal elite. Nowhere is this more apparent than in Jesus' irresponsible welfare proposals and pleas for universal healthcare. "Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you," he blathered at a recent Senate hearing on Social Security, simplifying a complex issue as only a liberal would. Indeed, Jesus' socialistic remarks have enraged many would-be contributors to his campaign. After I informed him of the hundreds-of-millions of dollars I have raised in the name of the Lord through my televangelism and holy African diamond-mine interests, he had the audacity to respond: "It is easier for a camel to fit through the head of a pin than for a rich man to enter heaven." Well, the Christian Broadcasting Network will not waste its time and money supporting a candidate unwilling to recognize the blessed virtue of free enterprise. Our hard-working, god-fearing supporters regularly pay tax and tithe and are unable to continue supporting the freeloaders that Jesus would have us aimlessly throw our money at. "Tax-And-Spend Jesus" wants us to believe that our hard-earned money should be pumped into godless public schools and the sinful homes of single-mother welfare queens. The reckless liberalism of Jesus Christ cannot be allowed to take hold of the Christian values this great country has fought so hard to preserve. Jesus' immorality becomes more heinous by the day, and what kind of example is He setting for our children by openly associating with prostitutes? Jesus' environmental advocacy resembles that of your common, everyday hippy: He has criticized our reliance on fossil fuels and insists that businesses adopt unfair and impractical pollution prevention measures. He also goes barefoot to public events and has yet to shower or shave as far as I can tell. Messiah or not, there is no room for grungy tree-huggers in the White House. Today's America should not cater to the bleeding-heart politics of men like Howard Dean and Jesus. Frankly, the policies advocated by Christ have not only been Un-American, but, dare I say, Un-Christian. Jesus has refused to condemn homosexuals, abortion doctors, Muslims, feminists, atheists, communists, convicted murderers, or even the ACLU. His moral relativism knows no bounds: "Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone," He whines, His words as empty and non-committal as those of a typical do-nothing democrat. Worst of all, He has gone so far as to challenge the virtue of Operation: Iraqi Freedom. As our brave men and women fight in the trenches for the liberation of the Iraqi people, Jesus has repeatedly denounced our efforts and naively pleaded for a non-violent solution. Instead of inspiring our courageous troops with the truth of God's Word, He has instead chosen to spew the same empty rhetoric of Blame-America-First liberals: "Put up again thy sword into its place: for all they that take the sword shall perish by the sword." "First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye," He drones. Must I direct Jesus to the Book of Exodus? How about "an eye for an eye" — did He miss that one? Grow up, Jesus. Welcome to the real world. Jesus' foreign policy misjudgments extend well beyond Iraq, and His peacenik position on Israel's on-going war with Muslim extremists is baffling. I have, for some time now, regaled my devotees with the prophecies of Luke and Zechariah that prove the necessity of a powerful Israel to Christ's Second-Coming. Jesus knows full well that he wasn't supposed to return until an uncontested Jewish State had been established and the Palestinian menace eradicated, and His defiance of His own revelations is dishonest and reprehensible. Now, true worshippers of the Lord might hesitate to criticize the Son of our Lord. They certainly should, if this is in fact the Jesus the New Testament has told us about. But this cannot be the Christ we've all been waiting for. No, faithful believers, this must be the wrong Jesus. My colleague, Jerry Falwell, has whispered that this might not be Jesus at all, but a sneaky demon incognito. Personally, I think God just needs another do-over. It may take a re-re-rebirth, but when The Right Jesus finally arrives, I'm confident that any doubts of the righteousness of our positions will be quickly erased (read more about my vision of The Right Jesus in my new book, The Right Jesus—available now at 700Club.com for a donation of $24.95). And so, loyal followers, I say, "We who are without sin, let us cast the first ballot. And may that ballot be a "no" on Jesus. He may be the Son of God, but He is no Ronald Reagan.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
Postcards from James Joyce to his brother Stan By Martin Bihl Making the Ask: A Brochure on How to Outsource Your Marriage Proposal By Kevin M. Hyde A Tweak Too Far: New York's Edgiest Derma Docs By Prudence Crowther Dispatch Wednesdays By Stephen Elliott Because We Are 100 Percent Committed By Michael J. Rosen |
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