- - - - Transcript of a Press Conference Held March 5, 2007, Cape Canaveral, Florida Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you so much for joining me here today. As you know, I've called you here to speak about the candy of the future. I just got back from a trip to the year 2143, the year after science's Great Candy Race ended and the people of the world were enjoying the fruit flavors of that effort. [laughter from the crowd] For starters, I will not be able to speak much of the taste of the candy. Let us just say that future candy exposes unused taste buds, which come alive with nerve endings stringing all the way back to untapped parts of the brain. I hesitate to say they are the "deep" or "far reaches" of the brain. They are simply unkempt. Mostly, I'm not concerned with the taste because, as I say, your messy brains cannot comprehend its delights. I'll first put some rumors to rest: candy from the future is neither injected nor inhaled nor taken in pill form as some of my detractors have argued in certain publications. Their hogwash theories are now completely debunked. Let us rank the Injectionists with the Flat Earth Society, please. Instead, new candy is soggy and alive. It is neither animal nor plant, but rather a new kingdom of candy that feels no pain and releases no chemicals. The little guys have personalities, to be sure, but they are personalities uniformly skewed toward service of humanity and human tastes. As of my visit, scientists could only grow the candy in a lab, but soon hoped to open candy zoos. Quite frankly, each individual piece of candy is a microcosm of utopia. Also, it is green. Questions? The man from the Post? Yes, there was a nuclear holocaust but no, I didn't spend much time looking into it. Needless to say, there are still people. Who else would make the candy? [crowd laughter is heard] Or more importantly, who would taste it? Yes, the woman from the Times? Certainly you cannot expect that there is still an Israel or a Middle East to speak of. And certainly you cannot think this more important than future candy. [guffaws of agreement heard] Hmmm... yes, the young man with the beard? Yes, unfortunately, many of the animals we have catalogued and fought to preserve have passed to extinction and Earth has become a hot, overrun megamall with only two species of plants, which look very similar to each other. And no, swimming is most unpleasant. But please, someone else must have a question. The man with the big microphone? Ah, a perspicacious question, indeed. Yes, in fact, [sighs audibly] my theory that candy of the future would be consumed through a process I called "thoughtmosis" was not the case. I am of course disappointed by this, but I return rejuvenated and ready to make it work. [wild cheers from crowd] One more question, please, and then really, I must be going. [bustling among reporters] Lots to report, you know. Umm, the gentlelady in the front row, perhaps? Could all of you hear that? No, well, the question was whether I brought any of this candy back with me. The answer is I did, but unfortunately had to use the lion's share of it to fuel my ship after a breakdown in 2056. I'm afraid the rest of it will be turned over to science or kept for my private stash. Good luck with your Werther's and Pixie Stix, and as my candy said to me before I jammed it in my plasmatank in 2056, "Do what you have to do. Oh, and by noon the day after you return, be sure to enter a well-stocked bunker." I'm sure it was a joke, but I couldn't find a library there to check the date. Oh, and the fellow with the beard? Be sure to duck in a few moments. Goodnight, good luck, and good science! [manic applause]
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