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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

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D O N   D E L I L L O, S T A D I U M   V E N D O R BY RYAN BOUDINOT - - - - Hot dogs who wants hot dogs. Hot dogs cloaked in foil wrappers. Who wants. Hot dogs with mustard and relish and sauerkraut and ketchup all steamed and fissured and revealed in a languorous process of unwrapping. You want these hot dogs, America. Cold beer right here. Overcompensate for the absence of individuation as you adopt the vocabulary of the crowd. The stinging stresses of hurled epithets, lubricated, emboldened. The counterclockwise twistings of caps from plastic containers. MGD and Coors Lite and Miller High Life. Cold beer. Cotton candy. Spun around a cardboard horn. You kids want cotton candy. You want the astringent granularity of abraded tongues. Pink or blue? Get your peanuts. Small and brown and sealed, salted. Peanuts to be extracted from their shells, their papery red sheaths inadequate, vestigial. A yesteryear snack food complicit in its own enshrinement as a ballpark icon. The slow ritual of discardment, the accumulation of shells a slowly growing pyre. The giving flesh of the nut, the residual belch hours after the ninth inning has passed and the lights have grown solid and vital on the parkway. I got your chocolate malts. Get them before they melt before they return to a more and placid and unspoonable state. A wooden slab encased in paper comes with the malts, a device for penetrating the ungiving surface. You must wait until the malt becomes pliable, penetrable, the undifferentiated zone between liquid and solid. Yes, one flavor. One flavor of malt which is chocolate. Anyone up here want some lemonade. It's a hot day you want lemonade. Arthur Andersen. Fujitsu. Exxon/Mobil. Cold lemonade with fresh lemons. Fresh-squeezed lemonade.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Future of the Space Program By Jonathan Messinger The American Canon of the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure By Matthew Collison and Chris McCoy The Lost Journals of Doogie Howser, M.D. By Pasha Malla and Mike Baker My DJ By Brian Bieber Popular Children's Fairy Tales Reimagined Using Members of My Family By Eric Silver

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE WINGS AT THE BALLET YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT THANKS AND HAVE FUN RUNNING THE COUNTRY LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL