BY MIKE SACKS - - - - "Grocery Shopping" Time is of the essence and many errands must still be accomplished, and yet you wish for nothing more than to spend some quality lovemaking time with your partner. With this in mind, disrobe. Travel to a favorite store; you may take a cab. The ancient Taoists believed that opening one's heart and spirit to new experiences enabled one to become closer to heavenly bliss (deva). Hold hands with your partner and walk slowly to a "personal grooming" aisle. Perfume your breath with betel leaves. If these cannot be found, mint mouthwash will do just fine. Raise your arms to the ceiling as you consciously control your breathing patterns (pranayama). Mount your partner from behind, making sure that your point of view is unencumbered by your partner's head or torso. Now make your way (cautiously, and with great care) to a different aisle... perhaps an aisle specializing in breakfast foods. Is that a shopper, about ten yards away, staring wide-eyed, one hand covering her mouth? This is not your concern. The Kama Sutra speaks of dharma, or a completion of karma through divine servitude. You spot a favorite breakfast cereal, reasonably priced, on the top shelf, middle aisle, just next to the cream of wheat. Gently lift your partner to the heavens, say, three feet off the ground, and join your two souls into one (hatha). Reach higher for the cereal, higher than you've ever reached, all the while allowing for maximum G-spot exposure, higher, higher, cherish this delicious friction, and now, with both hands, with fingers carefully spread, caress the cereal box and... squeeze. The cereal is yours! But while you're at it... why not also grab that bag of sun-dried raisins, since it's just so convenient? Return to your original position and overcome all of your differences by dancing together in what the ancient practitioners called cosmic space (sky dancing). Finish your dance quickly. There is a sale on ground beef, five aisles over, and even though the night is young and there is still much left to accomplish, this beef is of a particularly good grade and is going very quickly. Adore yourself and how this feels! "Visiting an Aging Aunt in a Retirement Home" Disrobe and proudly enter the lobby of a loved one's retirement home. Why is that security guard laughing? Is this your concern? To perform tantric duties with conviction and confidence is all that should be required of a non-deity. Sweep your arms before you and tickle your partner's muladhara (root center). Perform a fake swan dive. Mount your partner and cautiously wend your way through the throng of senior citizens, some of whom may observe you with wonder, others with disdain. With your third eye (anja), show extra care not to knock or disrupt any canes, wheelchairs, or walkers. Remain focused: by extending and expanding the peak of sexual ecstasy, two lovers can jointly enter into realms of beatific rapture (jivan-mukti) never previously thought possible. You spot your aunt, sitting alone in her room, and you and your partner approach. "Hello," you casually intone. More small talk: "How has the food been recently?" "I like your dress!" "Yes, I have put on a few pounds." Try a new position. Continue to make love as you saunter over to the window to allow luscious sunshine and fresh air into the somewhat stagnant room. Sattva (blissful illumination) is best achieved by making a connection with the outside life-force (prana). With your aunt by your side, engage in a round of three-person gin rummy. Read family letters aloud. Wave to the security guard, now poking his head and video camera into the room. Engage in a round of four-person gin rummy. Time passes. As day turns to night, you envision yourself floating up and out of the room, waving goodbye, still joined with your partner; you shall all meet again soon, floating into new worlds, into new states of awareness; there has never been anything as beautiful as this, never, and yet it is now time to drop through the clouds below, through the moist midsummer air, and then into a sit-down mower, its engine droning mellifluously. Your lawn needs cutting, and what better way to groom it than tantrically? Strap on that neckerchief and secure your lovemaking grip (allowing for maximum steering movement). Child of nature, you are free! "Avoiding Sex" The kids have at last been put to bed and your house now resounds with the well-earned tranquility of a day well spent. "What do you want to do tonight?" your partner asks. "Make love?" You have mounted your partner and are changing a light bulb in the refrigerator. "Not so sure," you reply, avoiding your partner's gaze. "What do you want to do tonight?" "Well," your partner responds, now emptying the dishwasher, "I do have that early-morning meeting at the office, and I am a tad sleepy. Perhaps tomorrow night instead?" "Sounds good," you declare, stifling a yawn and tying off a recycling bag. "Sounds real good; yeah, that might just be for the best." Your partner, now wiping down the kitchen table, smiles and gives you a peck on the cheek. You return the gesture. Feel life deep within you. Moan loudly. This night is controlled by household chores. Honor them.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
The Tyrant's Tales By Brent Spencer A Critical Introduction to Breakfast By TG Gibbon Mars Politica By Ben Greenman Audio Guide to the Greatest Masterpieces of All Time, Assembled in One Place By Tom Gliatto A Midyear Update From Miss Othmar By John Moe |
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