Explaining
Novelty T-shirts
to My Mom.
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"I'm With Stupid"
See how there's an arrow pointing to the side? The thing underneath "Stupid"? The arrow? Yeah, I know there's no one there. But you're supposed to—no, no, it doesn't matter that there's no one there right now. Just imagine—OK, pretend he's with someone, then. It doesn't matter who! Honestly, Mom, it doesn't matter. Anyone. OK, sure, Tom Selleck, then. No, he's not suggesting Tom Selleck is stupid. Oh, I totally agree. One of the best shows of the '80s. Yeah, for sure. Ummm ... Rick, I think? And the black guy was called T.C. I don't know. Tom Courtenay, maybe? I honestly have no idea. Oh, I never thought of that, Mom. You think so? You really think Higgins was Robin Masters? Yeah, I suppose that would make sense.
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
So you know when you get drunk, and—whoa, whoa. No! Of course not! That's not what I'm saying! Mom, Mom—listen. Yes. I know, I know. Three years is a long time, and we're all very proud of you.
"Krap"
You're familiar with Kraft, right? The food company? Good. Yeah, so they took the logo from Kraft, and made it into Krap. See how it's the same, sort of? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean? It's funny because the company's called Kraft, and they made it Krap. Like they took a popular brand name, and made it into a swear word. Yeah, sure, I think you can say "crap" on TV. It's not a big deal. Yeah, they used to say "bitch" on NYPD Blue all the time. Oh, I don't know about that one—maybe only in Canada. Yeah, they're tougher on that stuff down there. What's that? Mom, I can't hear you. Stop whispering, I can't—Mom! Easy! Easy with the blue language, we're not—oh, no, that lady over there is looking at us. Don't look now! Mother. Please. This is the worst. This is the absolute worst, ever.
"I found Jesus—He was behind the couch the whole time"
OK. I know you're not religious. But you are aware, are you not, that there are people who—figuratively—"find Jesus"? What? Oh, those are quotation marks. It's like, you do the quotation-marks sign with your fingers when something's figurative, or ironic, or whatever. God, Mom, I have no idea. Just go with it, OK? Listen—can we start again? Good. Thank you. So there are certain Christian people who—no. OK, I've got it. When a Christian person really gets in touch with God, they claim they've found Jesus. And sometimes they ask other people, "Have you found Jesus?" What now, Mom? What? No! You don't do the quotation-marks thing when you quote somebody, not when you're talking. I have no idea! You just don't. Well, maybe you don't make very much sense, either.
"Beaver Patrol"
Hey, look, a shoe sale! You love shoe sales!
"Gary Coleman for Governor of California"
OK, this one is ironic. Like, it's sort of making fun of Gary Coleman. Yeah, from Diff'rent Strokes. No, that was Webster. Some disease where they look like kids all their lives, or something. Well, I think their life expectancy is limited, so maybe not. Stick with the wrinkle cream and pilates, Mom. OK. Now, the T-shirt. I think he actually did run for governor, and if people voted for him it was probably a joke. I don't know what his platforms were. Well, because he's a former TV star, and he's small, and on Diff'rent Strokes he always used to say—yeah, right. Jeez, Mom, you actually do that really well. So I guess it would have been funny. What? Yeah, last year. Hmmm ... I don't know. I never saw any. Although maybe that is how Schwarzenegger got in.
"Firemen Have Big Hoses"
Why are you giggling? It's not even funny. Mom. Seriously. It's a lame joke. It's so easy—"Firemen Have Big Hoses." I mean, come on. What? Oh, I don't know. Are you serious? I just don't do that sort of stuff—big-penis humor. I wouldn't even know where to start. Oh, good one. I'll write that down. I don't even think policemen's guns are that big, to be quite honest. Mailmen? Mom, no one finds mailmen sexy. Don't. I know what you're thinking, but don't. Oh, God. Mom! If I ever thought I'd hear my mother say, "Big sacks." What? The quotation marks? I had to do them that time. I don't want you putting words in my mouth.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Explaining Novelty T-shirts to My Mom By Pasha Malla
Your Mother and I By Dave Eggers
How Past Girlfriends Could Have Changed History By Brian Sack
THEM!: The Play By James Erwin
Nicotine Kid By Chris Ogden
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