Some Lists,
Grouped Together.
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DISSERTATION TITLES
THAT SUGGEST THE AUTHOR
WAS PREOCCUPIED WITH OTHER ISSUES
AT THE TIME OF WRITING.
By Zhubin Parang
From Anaphase to Telophase: The Complex Steps of Cell Separation, None of Which, Incidentally, Involve Divorce Lawyers
Various Expressions of Human Cognitive Ability: Why There Are Many Ways to Measure Intelligence Besides LSAT Scores, Stanford
The Birth of Jury Trials: A Complete Translation of Lord Mansfield's Trial Notes, for Which I Will Finally Earn My Father's Respect
Bond Rates as a Function of Market Equilibrium: Please, God, Don't Let Me Be Pregnant
Multiracial Community Development at a Crossroads: The Effect of—Aw, Fuck, What's the Point?
Experiential Deviations in Quantum—SWEET JESUS, THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE!
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INAPPROPRIATE "DO IT" SLOGANS.
By Jeremy Martin
Cardiologists do it 'til your heart stops.
Poison Control Hotline operators do it 'til you puke.
Catholic priests do it 'til you hit puberty.
Vice presidents do it from an undisclosed location.
Trekkies do it 'til their mom comes home.
Donkey anesthesiologists do it 'til your ass falls asleep.
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RECENT OCCURRENCES
AT OWL CREEK BRIDGE.
By Lucas Klauss
Man in hunting cap peed off side of bridge, laughed at sound of urine hitting moving water.
Teenage couple smoked marijuana next to bridge, dared each other to walk out onto bridge, made out for 35 minutes.
Self-styled town historian related facts about bridge to 8-year-old son, who complained he wanted to "go to Bobby's house."
Plank of rotted wood fell from bridge into water below.
Man taking nature walk stopped by bridge, pondered possibility of someone being hanged from bridge falling into water, narrowly escaping execution, then realizing he had made it up in his own mind seconds before his death. Man taking nature walk then realized if he didn't start walking again fairly soon he would miss rerun of Becker. Man continued taking nature walk.
Different plank of rotted wood dangled and fell from bridge into water below.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Some Lists, Grouped Together
Effective Application Strategies for Mrs. Schobel's Morning-Recess Dodgeball By Chris Guthrie
Explaining Novelty T-shirts to My Mom By Pasha Malla
Your Mother and I By Dave Eggers
How Past Girlfriends Could Have Changed History By Brian Sack
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