SCENES FROM A BLOCKBUSTER ACTION MOVIE FEATURING A TECHNOLOGY EXPERT WITH APPROXIMATELY MY OWN REAL-LIFE SKILL LEVEL. BY SEAN KEANE - - - - Reconnaissance "O'Henderson, nice surveillance work. The report you put together was incredible. Friends, associates, even his favorite movies and bands. We're a lot closer to finding that bastard Santiago now." "It's what I do, Lieutenant." "How'd you get all this information? Wiretaps? Hacking into the cartel's database?" "No, sir. He's on Friendster." Tracing the Call "Keep Santiago on the line for a little while longer—I need to scroll down farther in my address book." "You know, O'Henderson, you can punch in the first letter of their name and it goes a lot faster." "I need to concentrate here! Wait a second! I think I'm getting a text message!" Defusing the Bomb "There's no time to evacuate the orphans. Quick, O'Henderson, which wire do we cut?" "Have you tried unplugging the bomb?" "We did that, and it didn't help. The timer is still counting down!" "Step back. I'm going to pull out the detonator, blow on it, and then put it back into the bomb." "Are you positive, O'Henderson? We're talking about the lives of 1,500 Belorussian orphans here." "Hmm. What if we defragged?" The Love Scene "Guys, I fixed the walkie-talkies. Santiago didn't sabotage them. It turns out one of the batteries was in backwa—oh! I'll leave you two alone." The Car-Chase Aftermath "We got him! I can't believe we got to the bridge in time! That was some damn fine navigation, O'Henderson. Thanks for saving our asses back there." "Don't thank me, Lieutenant. Thank Mapquest.com." - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Scenes From a Blockbuster Action Movie Featuring a Technology Expert With Approximately My Own Real-Life Skill Level By Sean Keane Have You Heard the One About President Bush? By Mike Sacks In Defense of the Chimpy Corollary By Chris Steck Near-Genius at Work: Dan Kennedy Writes His Next Book By Dan Kennedy Combo Platter By Ed Page

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL