You feel poor. We feel poor. Let's feel poor together. This week only, almost everything is half-price in our online store. Escape the holiday rush and cross every name off your list in one cheap swoop. - - - -

THINGS I THINK MAY BE IN MY MOTHER'S LETTER TO MY HUSBAND THAT ARRIVED ONE WEEK AFTER THE WEDDING. BY ANN VOGEL - - - - Dear Niall, You are lovely. Welcome to the family. - - - - Dear Niall, Ann is very mentally ill. She is under heavy medication for her dissociative personality disorder, commonly referred to as multiple personality disorder. She is unaware she suffers from this. She thinks the drugs she takes are vitamins. Please make sure she takes them every morning. - - - - Dear Niall, Ann is not allergic to horses. We told her that because she kept bugging us for a pony when she was a kid. Please don't tell her we lied to her—she'd be crushed. - - - - Dear Niall, We've never told Ann there is no Santa. Please play along and take her to Santa's Grotto at the mall to have her picture done, and I'll reimburse you for the photo. - - - - Dear Niall, When Ann was 14 she didn't go to a summer camp. She went to a special camp for heavy children. She never noticed, and we never told her. Her feelings are very delicate. Please don't point out to her what the name Camp Tubby implies. - - - - Dear Niall, Ann's childhood pet, Rocky, does not live on a ranch near Ocala. He choked to death on a chicken bone she fed to him at a family picnic. Please do not tell her the truth. - - - - Dear Niall, The cards Ann receives at Christmas from her childhood friends are actually written by me and her Aunt Beatrice. She didn't have any friends, outside of her imaginary friends. We told her when she started seventh grade that they all moved to a large house just outside Ocala, and they've written her Christmas cards since then. - - - - Dear Niall, I may be a woman of small stature who lives in a retirement community, but if you hurt my daughter, my entire bowling team will see that you suffer. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Things I Think May Be in My Mother's Letter to My Husband That Arrived One Week After the Wedding By Ann Vogel The Riddler Makes an Announcement By John Moe Obscure Chinese Proverbs By Dennis Mahoney On the Utility of Minneapolis-St. Paul as a Base of Operations for Various Well-Known Superheroes or Super Teams By Keith Pille Notes From a Neighborhood War By John Warner

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL