This Friday, July 25, is your last day to start or renew a subscription to McSweeney's and start with Issue 28. Coincidentally, it's also the last day to start or renew a subscription to Wholphin and start with Issue 6. Both subscriptions are discounted (McSweeney's by $5, Wholphin by $10). If you've moved, please send us your address changes. - - - -

The Presidential Election in a World of Greco-Roman Morality. BY KEVIN DEENIHAN - - - - Presidential Debates BUSH: The fact is, my War on Iraq is supported by many, many allies. KERRY: Allies, Mr. President? Allies like Hestia, Goddess of the Hearth? And Aeolus, Keeper of the Winds? These are not Athena and Ares, Mr. President. BUSH: Regardless, we will push— KERRY: And even Demeter withdrew her fertile fruits from our troops when her Daughter Persephone was kidnapped by Baathist Extremists. Mr. President, my campaign is supported by Apollo, God of Fire and Light. My campaign is even supported by Republicans like Poseidon, God of Sea and Ocean. Stump Speeches CHENEY: ... I want an America where the only Sirens are on top of police cars. I want an America where every child has a household slave that can read or write. My opponent wants an America where we arm our soldiers with inferior Tin, instead of powerful Bronze. Do you know what he did when Osama bin Laden released his video? He consulted the Oracle of Delphi. That man should not be President. Campaign Ads ZEUS: In an uncertain age, we need men of action. That's why I endorse George Bush, through whose veins my mighty ichor flows. My offspring are as the peaks of the mountains, and their loins are fiery with a hot passion. Did not Mighty Bush crush the Caves of Afghanistan with the Delta Force? I am the Lord Zeus, and I approved this message. Exit Polls RUSSERT: We aren't permitted to reveal the disposition of the Goose's Liver, but the Augurs maintain that it's good news for Kerry. Karl? ROVE: It's bullshit, Tim. The female Geese are considerably overrepresented, and we all know that the positioning of the gallbladder traditionally favors Democrats by two to three points. RUSSERT: Blind Sage Rather? RATHER: As the Swan flies South, Ohio falls to a Dandy: America sweeps corn onto a hot griddle. RUSSERT: Sage but confusing words as always, Dan. Post-election Wrap-up SULLIVAN: I think Bush just spoke to the 51 percent of America that fondly remembers spiking a baby's heels and leaving her in a jar on the hillside. CARLSON: True, Rove's entire strategy was to bring 4 million new Dionysian Cultists out of their Mountain Orgies and into the Voting Booths. And that strategy paid off. MAHER: Coastal America just doesn't get the Bacchanalia Belt, you're saying. CARLSON: Yeah, absolutely. Liberals need to get out of their Forums and walk into a Vomitorium. See what the rest of America is thinking. Go to a Chariot Race, for Gods' sakes. Inauguration JENNINGS: ... And George Bush, at the height of his power and wealth, has just discovered that his Barbarian Mistress has slaughtered his children. Also, his wife has turned out to be his Mother, and the Gods have doomed him to a 12-year voyage across Texas, carrying an Oil Derrick on his back. NOVAK: A lot of people are going to say this has to do with Hubris, Peter. And that's just not so. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Presidential Election in a World of Greco-Roman Morality By Kevin Deenihan An Open Letter to My 22-Year-Old Self By Mike Jones Some Lists Things I Think May Be in My Mother's Letter to My Husband That Arrived One Week After the Wedding By Ann Vogel The Riddler Makes an Announcement By John Moe

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL