Seven Questions for the Guitar Solo From "Stairway to Heaven."
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Q: How long are you?
A: About 45 seconds.
Q: What are some of the techniques that you employ?
A: Basically all of the good ones. Hammer-ons. Pull-offs. Long, sustained note bends. A brief turn from the Dorian mode into the Aeolian. Triplets.
Q: Do people ever mistake you for other guitar solos?
A: Yes. "All Along the Watchtower" and "Layla," both of which are both sort of plausible, but come on. You don't have to "listen very hard." I'm "Stairway."
Q: What about "Don't Fear the Reaper"?
A: (appalled) God, no.
Q: Are you religious?
A: Some people say Satan helped make me, which would explain a lot, like why I've always felt comfortable around runes, incantations, robes, and moonlight, and why I tricked some confused kids into killing their parents. I do know that I was restless and the 1980s were a crazy time for all of us.
Q: Is it true that you and the intro to "Stairway to Heaven" haven't spoken in nearly 30 years?
A: We are both pretty popular, so everybody's always expected us to be best buddies, but we come from very different worlds. He is slow; I am fast. He is acoustic finger style; I am electric. He's always thought that I'm jealous of him, because he's slightly—and I emphasize slightly—more famous than I am. And you know what? He may be right. But everybody's got a position to play in the greatest rock 'n' roll song of all time. One of us leads off and one of us bats cleanup. One of us is delicate; one of us is more aggressive. More accurately, one of us is the sound of hobbits playing hide the cudgel and one of us is the clarion call of rock 'n' roll's everlasting triumph.
Also, one of us comes down with a bad case of the falsetto jackass, and one of us doesn't.
Q: Any plans to settle down?
A: You've heard the song, right? Heard it a thousand times? I'm a guitar solo.
(subdued) I rock on.
(with gathering intensity) As I've always rocked.
Alone!
Q: (air guitar)
A: (triumphantly) Alone! Alone! Alone! Alone! Alone! Alone! Alone! Alone! Alone!
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Seven Questions for the Guitar Solo From "Stairway to Heaven" By Richard D. Allen
Signs Your Doctor May Be Coming On to You By Wendy Molyneux
The Presidential Election in a World of Greco-Roman Morality By Kevin Deenihan
An Open Letter to My 22-Year-Old Self By Mike Jones
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